I’m not really sure what I’m asking for I think I just need to write everything down to try and process what’s happened. Four days ago I found out through screenshots from social media that my older brother who is only 45 has stage 4 brain cancer and has lost most of his mobility, sight and speech. Our relationship has been quite difficult. My parents my younger brother and I were excluded from his wedding in 2019. This led to a big argument between my brothers and ended up in none of us speaking. My older brother and I did meet up to talk things through however maintaining the relationship became very difficult. His wife did not approve and slowly my brother became isolated not only from us but from his close friends too. When we found out about his illness my parents reached out to his wife and were sent a text saying it was their wish to not have any of us know about this and not to contact them again. I suppose I’m struggling with accepting I won’t ever see him again, I can’t have the conversations I want to have with him, support him and most importantly just tell him that I love him and I’m sorry. We won’t be able to attend the funeral and will only find out when he passes if his wife writes another post on social media and one of his friends tells us. I feel like I’m in limbo grieving and don’t know how to help my parents who are absolutely devastated. I have never seen my dad breakdown like this. I also feel an overwhelming sense of guilt at feeling the way I do because I blame myself for not being there when he needs me. I think in time my mum and dad will need to speak to somebody who can help them process all of their feelings. All I’m trying to do is remind myself of who my brother was, the kind caring person who would help anyone in need.