Hi VStar1620,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. This must have come as a terrible shock to you, especially given your condition and dependence on her.  You are certainly not being at all selfish. It is only natural to be scared. I faced this position with my own mum, many years ago and know just how hard it was to get through. This may sound heartless, but it's not supposed to. This is not the time to worry about what happens when you lose your mum, but to try and make your mum's life as comfortable and trouble free as you can and to let her know how loved she is. 

Do you have any other siblings, or is it just you and your sister? I would hope that your sister will make a concerted effort to learn more about your condition and be able to help you out with various tasks, including your bills. Most of us cry a lot at this stage - it's almost as if we've already started grieving. There's nothing wrong with this, as crying helps to relieve some of the stress, but try and do this when you are not with your mum.

It is natural to find your emotions to be in a state of turmoil, when given this awful news. If you are not sleeping well, it makes it more difficult to cope with the situation. You won't function properly either if you're not eating. This is the one time when you have to keep yourself healthy, both for your mum and your daughter.

Please stick to the prescribed dose of Diazepam, as taking any more can lead to real complications. This is the last thing that your mum needs to worry about now. What age is your daughter? I'm sure that she needs you too. Seeing a loved one die, is always traumatic, but sadly, it is part of life. There is no telling what the future will bring. Life moves on. We do eventually learn to accept and cope with our loss, but it takes time.

Please keep in touch and remember, that many of us here have faced this situation and got through it. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Welcome to the forum VStar1630 although I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.

This must be an incredibly difficult time for you and your family but as you can see from the lovely response you've had from Jolamine, our community are here for you and will do all they can to support you.

As Jolamine has said, your emotions will naturally be all over the place at the moment, so be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space you need to process what is happening and how you are feeling. However, if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or scared by some of the thoughts you are having at the moment, please let someone know. Whether that is your GP or talking to someone on a helpline, such as the Samaritans who are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 116 123, there is always someone who is willing to listen, without judgement, and do all they can to help you.

You mentioned you may have kept taking the diazepam if your daughter wasn't there to help you. If that continues to be the case, and you feel you are unable to look after yourself, you need to let you GP know as it can be very dangerous if you do not stick to your prescription. The NHS on 111, or 999 in the case of an emergency, would be able to help you as well.

I know you're also worried about who will look after you after your mum passes away. This must be very upsetting, but you will need to try and speak to your sister, your children or another person you trust about this so they can contact social services and help look in to this for you. Mencap, the UK charity for people with a learning disability, can be contacted for further information and advice, as can autism charities such as ADHDadult and the National Autistic Society, both of which have online forums you can join, just like this one, where you can talk to others about your situation and get help from people who may be in a similar position to yourself.

Just take things one step and day at a time VStar1630 and remember, that you are not alone.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you. The situation is going from very bad to worse. My dad was admitted to the same hospital as mum as he deliberately drank too much on an empty stomach and collapsed twice cutting his head in the process and my sister told me this evening that he’s declining and has now developed a chest infection, is on a nebuliser, is on oromorph, has a heart murmur and a problem with his liver. He’s due to have scans but it really seems like he’s given up on living. He’s been married to my mum for 63 years and I am so scared. It’s bad enough knowing I’ll lose my mum but the thought of losing my dad too is too much to take. 

I'm really sorry to hear things have got worse and your dad is now in hospital as well.

It's completely understandable, and natural, to be feeling scared by what is happening to your mum and dad, but if you find this is becoming a bit too much to handle, please do reach out to your GP so you can talk about your fears and how this is affecting your mental health. They will be able to support you in onward referrals to counselling services if needed, but in the meantime, I hope some of these coping techniques that the mental health charity Mind have on their website will help. They also have a helpline and an online webchat you can contact them on if you would prefer to communicate with them that way instead. 

Mental health support can also be offered through the NHS on the numbers I gave you in my previous post. 

I hope you're feeling o.k about taking your medication now VStar1630, but if you are still unsure if you can manage this by yourself, do let your GP know as soon as you can.

We're thinking of you VStar1630 and sending all our support to you at this very challenging time.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi VStar 1630,

They old saying "it never rains, but it pours" comes to mind. This certainly seems to be the situation in your case. I am so sorry to hear about your dad and hope that he gets his scans soon. It is always a worrying time. waiting for tests and then, for the results. Sometimes, it is easier to cope, once we know what is happening. Have you had any further news about your mum? 

I have been thinking about your situation and wonder if seeing a counsellor might help you. You could go on your own, or you could take a family member with you, for support. If not your sister, would any of your own children be able to help you here?

I lost my mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her brain, bones, liver and lungs. Not long after that, I was diagnosed with 2 bouts of breast cancer, within a year of each other. As a mum, of 2 young teenage children and with a husband, who had to retire, with complex health issues, when he was only 50, I was naturally terrified. I am a very independent person, who likes to deal with my problems privately and get on with life, but the stress of everything, made me eventually need to talk to someone, who was impartial about my emotions.

I was fortunate to have a Maggies Centre and The Haven nearby and I spoke to a counsellor there, which was really helpful. There are centres like these, dotted all around the country. You can find them online, or can get information from your own GP, Practice nurse, some of your mum's care team. There is sometimes an information centre based in hospitals. These are mostly run by Macmillan. All of these facilities are there for the families of cancer patients, as well as the patients themselves. You can also pop in for a cuppa and a chat with others, who are dealing with difficult situations too. I know that you find it hard to communicate with others, but talking really does help at this time. If nothing else, it let's you know that you are not alone and that people face bleak situations on a daily basis. This is something that many of us are unaware of, until trouble stops at at our door.

Cancer impinges on all of the family and most of us need help, from some quarter or another. The people at these centres may be able to point you in the right direction to get help with some of the day to day problems that are likely to arise for you, now that your mum is unwell. I am sure that your mum would be delighted to know that you were already doing something to try and get the help you need, before she passes. If you were my daughter, nothing would make me happier than to know that you had settled this problem, before I passed.

Don't be afraid to approach all the avenues available to you, to get the help that you know you'll need. Our lovely moderator, Steph, has suggested other organisations that are worth contacting too. Do keep in touch with your GPs, as there are a number of organisations that they can refer you to for help.

This is one of the hardest and most challenging times that you are likely to encounter, in your life time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

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