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Talking to family

Sarah-sandytoes
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I'm 59 and I have terminal breast cancer. I've been really lucky - diagnosed 16 years ago. I have extensive lung and bone mets, and some spread to my liver. My left vocal cord was paralysed, had that injected, some improvement. We've just discovered my right vocal cord is now paralysed too, so there's no further treatment for that. My problem is my dad, who is relentlessly optimistic. I've just got off a very frustrating phone call, with him obviously not able to really hear me, but happily telling me how much better my voice sounds. If I try to tell him anything he just chats on. Have I been out? Am I doing anything exciting? He never stops for an answer.

He's 87, my mum's just gone into a home, I know his life isn't great. I don't know how much to push this.  He obviously doesn't want to know how *** things are. He's in Cheshire and we're in Devon, so it's easy for him not to have to actually see me and face up to reality. I don't know if it's mean of me to try to get him to understand that I'm really not getting better, and no matter how much I look on the positives, it's not going to make any difference to that. What would you do? I suspect there are no rights or wrongs here.

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    The reality is, he probably does know. He sounds as if he's doing the age old defence mechanism thing when it comes to bad news. Older people are more prone to doing this. Doubly so because you're his child. If people lose all hope, dark times ensue. Him remaining unrealistically optimistic is his way of keeping hold of that hope and also doing what comes naturally, trying to protect you by telling you everything will be fine. I would assume this is pretty common in parents that are faced with the prospect of losing their child.

    There's also the chance that he's grieving once you're off the phone to him. Talking to you in this manner might be his little place of paradise.

  • Hi Sarah,

    I really feel for you, its really hard for you and also your dad.  I agree with ProfBaw in that your dad probably does deep down, know the situation. 

    I am the remaining member of my immediate family with an 85 year old father.  He lost my sister to cancer 15 years ago and my mum to cancer 18 months ago.  He never got over losing my sister, I dont think you ever do.  Earlier this year I had an ultrasound which found a large tumour on my liver, they could not tell from scans if it was malignant or benign, so the doctors decided to go straight for surgery.  I kept the scans a secret from him, but when it came to surgery, I had no choice but to tell him.  He was also 'convinced' that it would be benign.  I even tried making deals with God that if it was cancer, just to make sure that I survived longer than him.  I couldnt bear the thought of him losing me too!  Luckily the tumour did turn out to be benign, but I still feel like his whole reason for living rests on my shoulders.

    I think that for the time being, just let your dad be the way he is, it is probably his way of dealing with it.  Do you have any siblings or does he have any relatives/friends close by that can keep an eye on him for you?

    Best wishes

    Annie

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