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Losing my mum - found out yesterday she has lung cancer and due to her current health there is nothing they can do for her

CLDP1986
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I found out yesterday that my mum has Lung Cancer. It is stage 2 but because of her current health, there is nothing they can do for her as she wouldn’t survive treatment. 
My mum and I have had a complicated relationship due to her lifestyle choices which previously put a massive strain on our relationship. Feelings of anger and resentment as to why she wouldn’t or couldn’t change for herself or us. Also that we didn’t have the mother daughter relationship of being able to go and do things like shopping or go for a coffee. I now also have a 2 year old son and have struggled with the fact that she and him don’t have the relationship I would like for them or that she can’t do things that my partner’s parents can for him. 

Now I have found out she has cancer and I fully accept that everyone’s time comes at somepoint and there is nothing I can do to help make her better. But I am finding it really difficult to come to terms with. She has had illnesses and been in hospital multiple times before and has always gotten better and it’s hard to think and accept that this time she won’t. 

I know we have had a strained relationship at times, but she is my mum, my best friend and the person who I still go to for advice and a chat more than once a week. That won’t happen anymore and it upsets me that I won’t be able to do that, give her a hug, or see her play with my son. 

I am sad for her, sad for myself, my sister and my dad. Thinking of my dad at home on his own when my mum is gone breaks my heart. 

How do you deal with all these thoughts, feelings about so many different aspects of this? 

x 

  • Hi CLDP1986,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear of the situation with your mum. You have described your feelings about all this well, and I can understand everything you are saying, and I know this must be incredibly difficult to deal with.

    There must be a lot of thoughts going on and a lot to process. There is no easy answer to your question, but beginning to deal with it all will take time - it's easier said than done but try to take things as slowly as possible and try not to overwhelm yourself with everything at once.

    If often helps to speak to others about how you're feeling - either those close to you, or others, such as on this forum. It can also be useful to write things down, again either personally or in a space such as you have done here.

    Hopefully you'll get some more replies to your post soon - there will be others here who have been through or are going through something similar.

    In time you may find the organisation Cruse helpful, and perhaps at the moment this page on anticipatory grief could be useful.

    Try to take things a day at a time and also focus on supporting your mum and those around you, speaking to your mum, and also taking time to look after yourself among everything going on.

    We are always here if you need it, and I hope that the forum can be helpful for you.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

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