Don't know how I feel: estranged dad dying of prostate cancer

Cancer,eh! I've been exposed to loss through this medium so many times. My gran had it 3 times and beat it but it got her kn the 4th. My grandad on the other side of my family died during his first fight. 

Yesterday, after a chance meeting with my estranged dad, I found out he was dying of prostate cancer. I felt and still feel overwhelmed and am in physical pain. I don't know what to do. I am so sad I can't stop crying. He has a bad heart and the cancer has also spread. He has had hormone therapy and is awaiting his 2nd round of radio therapy. When it was 1st discovered his prognosis was 3 to 5 years but not now. 

When I saw him, I knew. Without words, he wasn't the same. A shadow of who I saw last time. 

We had a breakdown in our relationship 20 years ago due to my dad's behaviours and he went to prison for violently attacking my mum after 18 years of not being together. This caused me PTSD. I made the decision to keep him away but once the anger and fear passed I was able to speak to him, if our paths crossed, remember good times, be civil but keep him at arms length. He has never been near my children, although they know who he is. Cardinal punishment I thought, to miss out on being a grandad, due to the choice you made that day but I need to keep my kids safe. 

I love my dad. I am very much like my dad, minus that day in question. I am now feeling immense pain, guilt and uncertainty.  I don't want him to die. I don't know what to do or how to be there for him and I don't know how il cope with the pain. But I do know I can't do nothing. He's my dad. I don't want him to be alone. 

  • Hi Hurt and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat, 

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your moving story with us. Cancer has really marked your family it seems with your gran beating it three times and your poor grandad losing his fight too. 

    It's so nice of you to feel that you can't do nothing despite everything he put your family through in the past. After all, he is still your dad and you love him and you shouldn't feel guilt but you are right to want to protect your children. It's very sad that he is dying of prostate cancer but he seems to still be having treatment in the form of hormone therapy and that he is awaiting his second round of radiotherapy which I hope will be effective at keeping things at bay a little. 

    Your situation is a little bit delicate and only you will be able to find the right balance that works for you between making sure your dad is ok and being there for him whilst keeping him at a distance if you feel he should not go near your children after what happened. I am sure that you will find what works best for you and your family. 

    I thought I would also share with you information from our website for Family, friends and carers which has some very helpful tips on how to support someone with cancer - I like the little video in there with top tips from patients on how to talk to someone with cancer. 

    I will now let other members of our community come and say hello and share their thoughts on your situation. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator