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Struggling watching my Dad deteriorate quickly after a 6 year battle.

Alisonavab
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This is the first time I've used this forum. I didn't know it existed until I took part in the walk 100 miles in May and joined the Facebook group.

Long story short...I'm struggling and I'm trying to be strong. My super hero Dad was first diagnosed with bowel cancer 6 years ago and my whole world shattered in that moment. He was incredible throughout and after surgery and chemo, he was cancer free! 18 months later...it was back. More surgery and chemo which was also successful. Routine scans then picked up a shadow on his liver which was believed to be cancer. Dropped off at the hospital door for surgery, and picked up 7 days later as it was during covid. Then a few months later, the bowel cancer was back and he was rushed into hospital the day before Christmas eve. He was so so poorly this time and ended up with a stoma bag and over 3 weeks in hospital over Christmas. The week he came out of hospital, my husband who I'd been with for nearly 20 years left me. He just walked out and I'm not really sure how I got through the next 12 months, my daughter saved me during that time. Dad went on to need radio therapy, multiple infections meant hospital stays, the list goes on. The last couple of months have been heartbreaking as I feel like I'm grieving for my Dad as I'm losing him piece by piece. His cancer is terminal, but slow growing. He's currently in hospital with a kidney infection they can't get under control and he's not eating, but feeling and being sick all the time. He's had numerous antibiotics, anti sickness, scans, blood tests etc but I feel like every time I visit, a bit more of him has gone and I'm finding it so so hard. My 11 year old is incredible and my Mum is so supportive, (My parents aren't together). I have 2 amazing best friends, but I feel so lonely. I've got no motivation and I'm so scared for the future.

Wondering if anyone has any advice please? 

Sorry for the long post, I hope it makes sense as I'm crying writing it.

Ali x

  • Hi Ali, 

    I just wanted to offer you a very warm welcome and to let you know I'm thinking of you at this incredibly challenging time.

    Your dad has been through so much in these last 6 years, as have you, and I can't begin to imagine how difficult it has been to watch his health slowly decline, but I'm really glad you've decided to join our community as we have a lot of members who have also gone through this with their nearest and dearest, so they will definitely understand what you are going through at the moment and will hopefully stop by soon to offer their support and advice.

    If you have a Maggie's centre near to you, it may be worth paying them a visit as they offer free expert care and support to anyone affected by cancer, and you will be able to connect with others, in person, who are on this journey as well.

    If you'd like to talk any of through with one of cancer nurses, you can contact them on 0808 800 4040. Their phone lines are open Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m and they'll do all they can to help, and support you at this time.

    I know nothing I say can make this better, but I really do hope you can take some strength, and comfort, from knowing that we are here for you and that you are not alone.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    Hi Ali,

    I just want to give you the biggest hug. You sound incredibly close to your Dad which I can relate to as I am with mine. I lost my dad in April after a 4 year cancer battle which involved transplant, radiotherapy and other treatments which spells of cancer-free months in between but ultimately we were told in March it had returned to his liver again and had now spread to his lungs with his kidneys also starting to fail. After 4 years of watching him overcome so much with the most positive attitude, I never really believed we would end up where we did and it all happened so quickly. I suppose i don’t have advice as such but more solidarity and empathy. The last 2 weeks of Dads life we just grabbed every minute, he was very poorly but we left nothing unsaid (but we were already so close, he was my best friend) and he passed peacefully in his sleep. It was fast and heartbreaking the end but for him I feel he passed with dignity and that mattered to him and me. Since he’s been gone I am struggling, he was my best friend, him and my mum weren’t together and although remained good friends it was always dad and i, he was incredible with my children who just loved him so much, he was part of everything we did and always will be but god I am finding the aftermath worse then watching him slip away. I think back to everything he went through and faced. So much of it alone due to covid but yet he still made me feel better about it all, typical him always putting me and mine first. I miss that man so much. It was an Honor and privilege to care for him at home in the last few weeks of his life, I’ll never allow that to be a traumatic memory as we laughed until the end but if I did have any advice it would be to forgo anything else and just be with your Dad as much as you can. And be honest with your daughter, mine are 9 and 7 and they knew he was very ooorly and after he passed we talk about him all the time. Xxx

  • Offline in reply to MrsP18

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I feel the pain in your words and I know as I was writing my story, it was through floods of tears. You sound like an incredible woman and you really did make the most of every second you had with your lovely Dad. I honestly can't belive how simular our stories are. Even down to parents being separated, but good friends. My daughter has honestly been incredible throughout. She knows how poorly he is and we talk openly and honestly about how things are and ultimately where things are heading  

    I feel we were meant to find each other  I really hope you're allowing yourself time to heal as the pain must still be so raw. I know losing a parent is something you never get over. Take comfort in your Dad passing with dignity and pride. The fact it happened quickly is a blessing I promise. My Dad has been discharged with carers in place, he's unable to walk and can do very little for himself. I don't know where he found the strength to get over this infection,  but he's so weak now. Taking things one day at a time.

    Thank you again for replying. Sending love to you and your family xxx

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