I lost my dad on 28th march. He's still at the Chapel. I visit everyday. His funeral is Thursday.

I was there when dad went, I told him he could and he slipped away peacefully. I cried hard for about 5 mins.... then nothing.

Dad was diagnosed 23 February the cancer had returned with a vengeance lung, liver, throat, he had no voice, couldn't eat solids. I was dads little nurse, have been since I was 18, he's had so much illness.

Sat 23rd March he was took to hospital after a fall for respite was meant to be coming home but by Wednesday he'd rapidly declined. Was hallucinating in & out of concisnous but recognised my voice and always smiled.

Then Thursday 28th morning had a lovely visit he was talking, kissing me telling me he loved me. I was so happy I came away feeling like he'd be home soon. What an improvement.  2 hours later I got the call of dread...... I needed to get back quickly & call my sister.

We got there and had 2 hours with him before he smiled and slipped away at 18.33. 

I can't cry, I have a watery eye but not cry. I havnt even cried at the Chapel. I look forward to going and seeing him. I actually look forward to seeing my dead dad. It's not real. Even though he's led there. He looks so peaceful so beautiful so calm and content. So out of pain & I'm so pleased.

But why can't I cry for the man I adore with all my heart. I've worshiped my dad since I was born so close saw each other everyday for nearly 46 years of my life. 

I'm not even worried about the funeral Thursday planning on Reading him a letter I've written. 

What the is wrong with me.

I've surrounded my home with his photos his reading glasses wallet hankies all on display. I don't even cry reading the proof for order of service or celebrants words to check.

Im completely un emotional. Is this really normal? X