Hello Wes12,

                     this was always going to be a difficult response since there can never be any easy answers to the situation you find yourself in. and my response In no way seeks to compare my previous situation to yours when diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with subsequent spread, l certainly went through exactly the same tormented emotions as yourself. and why me? certainly featured front and foremost in my thinking.

l came to despise my unwelcome visitor for what l saw as robbing my future but also as not wishing my position on anyone else. This led me to the eventual acceptance of why not me, since l felt it better myself face it than my family or friends.

This understanding did not arrive easy, the levels of distress were something l hope l never have to revisit, however going through that l realised that the personal stress l was creating were just an aid to my enemy, and l was damned if l was going to do anything to help it in its quest of destruction.

Eventually l emerged on a peaceful plateau with a surreal satisfaction in my mind that the invader would be furious that l was no longer following its planned script of torment, and that somehow it was no longer setting the daily agenda l was living by. That was a huge comforting thought and a positive that accompanied my every waking moment

What will be, will be was the destination l accepted, but how l travelled there was not going to be influenced by anything other than myself, and l chose easy and normality, and with that came the release of the crushing pressure upon me and a calmness of purpose to move forward with my life

l did not write this response to tell you what you need to do, that is for you to look into yourself to find your answers. l write to let you know you are not alone in the pain you feel,  l write to tell you of the possibility of an alternative to what you are suffering now if you can find it, l truly hope you are able to,

                                                                                                                                                                                          David, a survivor