Hi HollyKate,

A very warm welcome to our forum, although I'm so sorry to hear why you're here.

Sadly, you're right and there is no definitive answer to your question. No two cancers are the same and no two people are the same. We all have different genes and quite often a number of additional medical co-morbidities. These will all impact on the length of our lives, as will our grit and determination to survive, or the fact that we give in to the disease and stop fighting. A doctor can at best give you a "guesstimate", but this can be way off target. Some people live for way past their predicted time, while others go before it.

Have the doctors said why they are refusing to carry out biopsies? This is usually either because the patient is too frail to have them, or they may know that there is no suitable treatment, if the cancer is so advanced. Treating all the various sites at once may not be an option, or the strength of the treatment could end up with him being in more pain and eventually killing him. Sometimes the best option is to let someone pass in peace, with a reasonable quality of life, instead of prolonging the quantity of the life with no quality.

None of us know when we are going to lose a loved one, so all we can do is to cherish each and every day, as if it were our last. It is so hard to watch someone you love getting "Locked in". It is also extremely frustrating for your grandad, but unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. I can understand that he is depressed by his prognosis and by gradually losing the use of his limbs. The main thing to remember is that he can still hear and that this is one of the last senses to go, so even if he appears to be asleep, try not to discuss anything that could make him more worried than he already is. Make sure that you tell him frequently just how much you love him and hold his hand, so that he knows you are there.

You may notice as the end draws near, that he will eat less and less until, he is hardly eating at all. Likewise with drinking and he may sleep a lot more. He may also become confused or irritated. This doesn't  always happen, but it does with a number of people. I nursed my mum, who had breast cancer, with metastases to her liver, lungs, brain and bone for 3 months before she died.  My father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer of the gastrointestinal tract, which had metastasised to several parts of his body. He was 97, so they didn't carry out any further tests and tried to control his pain. Sadly, he only lived for 5 days after his diagnosis.

This is such a heart breaking time for you and your family. You will find that you are already suffering anticipatory grief for the inevitable. Be good to yourself and keep communication channels open between one another. It really does help to talk to family and friends about how you're feeling, instead of bottling it all up.

Please know that I am thinking of you and your family and I am hoping and praying that your grandad has a peaceful passing.

Please keep in touch and remember that we are always here for you.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Thankyou so much for your reply, it is very helpful. 

the doctors have refused the biopsies due to the cancer being that far progressed that there is no method of treating, and as my grandad is 79 they do not see a benefit of an invasive biopsy which he may not fully heal from (and I completely agree with this). 

We are all trying our best to support each other. We are currently managing between family to care for my grandad though have been advised that this may not be possible depending on how he deteriorates. 

It is heartbreaking to see his body give in before his mind, and even more so knowing that he is aware and yet unable to communicate with us. We are all making sure to spend time around him, making conversation and holding his hand.

Thankyou again for your response,

take care,

Holly x

Hi Holly,

I thought that this might be why they weren't going to investigate any further and I'm glad to hear that you are happy with this. There is nothing to be gained by putting him through all this additional trauma.

It can sometimes take more out of us than we realise,  when we are caring for a loved one, especially if the care needed becomes prolonged. There is help available from carers, who can attend to your grandad's personal care and  help can also be provided overnight, if needed. Either ask his care team at the hospital or his GP about this. I expect that this is the first time that you have ever been close to anyone in this situation. It is hard for anyone, but particularly so if this is your first experience. It sounds as if you are doing all you can for him at present. His needs may change, as the disease progresses, but there is no telling what they may be as yet.

You sound like a close family, who are going your best to support your grandad and one another. 

Please keep in touch and let us know how things go and remember that, we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

No advice holly but I know how you feel. My grandad has also been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer and is declining rapidly it’s so heartbreaking xxx 

Thankyou for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your grandads diagnosis. Watching a loved one deteriorate is truly heartbreaking. 
Unfortunately my grandad passed away last week, he lasted just 4 weeks from diagnosis, though he did have other complications such as Parkinson’s, heart failure and a blood clot. Hopefully your gran dads prognosis will look better than mine did, and you will have some time to spend and make memories with him. My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time ️xxx

Thankyou again for your support and advice. We did get some carers to come for my grandad however by the time they were organised he had deteriorated that much that they weren’t able to do much with him as he was too frail and in too much pain to move. He deteriorated so quickly, it was hard to believe. He sadly passed last Wednesday, myself, my mum and my grandma were by his side, holding his hand and telling him we were there and we loved him right up until the end. As heartbreaking as it was for us to watch we knew it was as peaceful for him as could be expected, and I’m sure he was aware that he wasn’t alone. 

Thankyou again for your kind words of support. All the best. 

Holly xx

My father died of oesophagus cancer aged 66 and his father aged 69. In 2011 in my 50s I developed Barrett's Oesophagus and have been treated and annually checked ever since. I guess I’ve always had the view that my life may be shorter than some, but my oesophagus is still clear . However, randomly last April I was diagnosed aged nearly 67 with Stage 4 Colorectal cancer and 6-9 months to live. My time was meant to be up a month ago… but I’m still going strong! Stay positive and appreciate the moments! God bless!

Holly,

I am so sorry to hear that your grandad passed so quickly, but I am glad to hear that you were all with him at the end, and that it was as peaceful as it could be. The hearing is the last sense to go, so I'm sure that he knew that you were all there for him. Don't bottle your feelings up. Talk about him amongst the family and try to recall happier times, than the past few months. Now is the time to be kind to yourself. You will work through your grief in your own time, but there's no telling how long this will take. Your mum and grandma are bound to have some moments of sadness too, but you will all get through this by supporting one another.

Sending my Sincerest Sympathy on your loss. I am always here if you need to chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx