Hello,

im so lost, I have nobody to talk & I came across this forum.

I have so many feelings & I need to let them all out before I explode. My Nan who is more like a mother to me is dying & I’m absolutely heartbroken. It’s all happened so fast. She’s been poorly a few months with sickness and 5 weeks ago she got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It’s spread to her liver and lungs. For the first few weeks I was coming to terms with it, I only got to see her a couple of times as she was vomiting all the time & feeling so unwell. 

she has 5 children one who is my mother, I have little contact with her as she’s not a nice person & her siblings don’t like her or have any contact with her either. She’s the black sheep in the family & disowned my Nan over 20yrs ago, only recently started talking to her again when she herself was in hospital for 2 months  with covid & almost died. My Nan never stopped trying in all those years & always sent her cards & gifts. She pretty much a cripple now & is very disbanded due to swollen legs & can’t walk.
Anyway my Nans other 4 children are now caring for her as in the last 10 days she’s gone from being downstairs to in a hospital bed in her bedroom dosed up on morphine. 
I visited yesterday & they were all there in my Nans lounge, chatting & making jokes with each other, chatted like nothings was happening, it was very uncomfortable. I was allowed to see my nan briefly, it was heartbreaking to see her so weak and frail, she barely knew I was there & my aunt wouldn’t leave me alone with her so I could not say anything I wanted to. After 3 mins I was told to leave. Nobody was mean to me but you know when you just feel uncomfortable & know they don’t like you & they want you to go, well that is how I felt. 

I message them all for updates on my Nan but get 2/3 words if I’m lucky, sleepy, slept well that’s it. I have said I am going over today but my aunt is trying to put me off, saying she is sleeping so much & it’s not a good idea. But they are all there 24/7 I need to see her, I haven’t been able to say goodbye yet. I can’t stop crying all the time, I can’t sleep. They all have each other, I have no siblings, no loving  parents no other family just my adult children, they don’t know these aunts or uncles as they’re never bothered with me or my children. They are desperate to see her too but I dare not ask. I’m 45 & my Nan is the only constant in my life, she has always been there for me & my children, doted on them all & she is such a big part of our lives. She has photos of us all over her house but still we are excluded. My Nan always treated me more like a daughter yet I’m not allowed to go over without an appointment & they make it clear I’m not wanted. 
I am so desperately heartbroken & want to be closer to my family but they just don’t like me & I think it’s cos they hate my mother, she is & has been an evil woman, she was wicked to my Nan & they never forgiven her. She was an abusive mother to me so I spent as many weekends as I could at my Nans when I was growing up, she’s the only person who has shown me love until I had my children. I just don’t know how I am going to cope without her but she’s still here for now & I’m being pushed out.

what can I do? How can I make them understand I want to be involved, that I need to be able to visit without them thinking bad of me or that I’m making it about me or my needs or feelings? 
Only one of my aunts has children and they get phone calls each day with updates, they’ve been allowed to visit but I don’t have that as my mother & me barely talk & shes not involved. It’s so unfair. You’d think this would bring us together, it’s bought them together just not me or my kids.,it’s yet more rejection & feeling unworthy, unliked all cos of my  birth mother being a total *** to them all over the years, & it makes me so mad cos If she had a relationship with my Nan & her siblings I’d not be in this situation now. 

my Nan may only have days left… I’m not prepared & I need to talk to my family who love her just as I do but they just don’t care & I can’t make them care now suddenly… what can I do?

im falling apart & I have nobody to talk to about my feelings, I have my children but as close as we are it’s different, they’re coping so much better than me, one’s left home they have busy jobs. I’m at home all day & all I do is cry & think about my darling Nan. I just want to hold her hand & tell her how much I love her even if she’s asleep but I fear my visit today will be the last they will allow me to have & there is nothing I can do about it.

so much more I could say I have tried to keep it brief & have missed out so much, I’d just really appreciate any advice?

thank you x