Hi R96J,

I'm so sorry to hear that your Father is terminally ill and there are no treatment options available. I have unfortunately been in a similar situation and I completely relate to the physical and mental agony that you feel. I felt and continue to feel the same way about my own fathers illness and passing.

My dad was a very fit and active 69 year old man and in 2020 he developed a lump in his neck which turned out to be throat cancer. My dad had two surgeries and radiotherapy and we were told that he would be cured. Prior to this I had no experience of cancer and to say it was terrifying as it was happening to the person I loved most in the world was an understatement. 

My dad started to recover after finishing treatment and every three months we would go together for the check ups where the doctor would do a scope and we were given the all clear. Life started to return to normal and we thought we were through it. Each appointment a step away from the cancer and the guard slowly came down.

In April this year my dad developed back pain which we tnought was sciatica. He went to physio, GP and no one thought anything of it. The pain persisted and on 15th September my dad went for a private MRI. We thought he possibly had arthritis worst case scenario.

Later that evening our world came crashing down. We were called into the GPs office to be told the scan showed metestatic cancer in dad's bones mostly the spine. I can't describe to someone who hasn't been in this situation how utterly devestating and debilitating this news is. Dad's my best friend. 

So much happened over the next two months. My dad was given strong pain meds which made him confused, these were changed out and a hospital admission in October followed. Throughout this dad's specialist told us he must have a new cancer as throat cancer does not metastasise like this. I then had hope that they could treat him and then 11th November I was told after dad's bone marrow biopsy it was infact throat cancer. 

Dad was admitted to hospice on 11th November to get the confusion under control which we thought was due to medication and he passed away on 15th November with my mum, myself and my brother by his side, 8 weeks after diagnosis. 

My dad lost his ability to do the things he loved over the last few months of his life. Seeing him deteriorate was devestating but I was there for him every step of the way. I feel very confused by what has happend and I don't understand any of it. My dad only had one face to face appt with his oncologist during the entire time (ENT consultant was better) and no scans apart from to check for local reoccurance. My mind often thinks that I let him down by not advocating for him more but I did everything I could.

I think that I find it most difficult as we thought he was through the cancer. It was inital devestation in 2020, then hope, then the most cruel and heartbreaking ending to someone who is my heart and soul. My mum and dad have been married for 50 years and I am now trying to help my mum who has never had to do anything on her own as an adult.

You will still be a family and you have your mum, brother and daughter and your dad will always be with you as mine will be with me. Treasure every moment with your dad, he will appreciate you being there so much.

I don't have any advice as tomorrow will be a week since my dad's funeral. I feel like I can't face the rest of my life without my dad but he told me to be strong and put one foot Infront of the other and I will keep trying, for him. 

Take some time for yourself and please reach out to people who love and care for you. McMillan should also be able to support you and your family. You can get through this. This is from someone who adores her dad and didn't think I could possibly withstand the pain. I am focusing on one day at a time and if I feel sad or angry I am allowing myself to feel it.

Sorry for the long post. I can hear your pain. 

Xxx