Thanks for your reply, it's appreciated. The funny thing is, is that I know all of this as well, it is hard to change your way of thinking when faced with the prospect of losing someone. The strange thing is I haven't lost anyone close to me for at least 20 years, the last one being my Grandma, so I think it might be the uncertainty more than anything. I've never been with someone when they die, I've seen only one dead body which was my great-grandma but I was only a child at the time. Maybe that's what it is, the anxiety and nervousness of seeing her that way? I want to remember her how she was and I know she will change and it won't be her (even though it will). I'm making too many assumptions and like you say, maybe I need to live in the moment and take each day at a time. I will try, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. 

This time last year I was in your shoes. I was thinking about how it would end, looking at timelines, struggling with my mental health and just completely had no idea which way was up or down. I did start a journal which I'm still writing now. My Mum passed away in December 2021 and it was nothing like I expected. I'd hoped she would be at home but we felt out of our depth with the seizures and were scared of her being in pain. We really tried but it turned out to be the best for her to be in the cancer hospital where she spent the last few days. I read advice on here and from friends saying make the most of your time and I did. I'm so grateful for that. There was nothing left unsaid between us and I was there for her and Dad. We said every day "let's just do today".  That's how we kept in the moment. Be kind to yourself. Eating and so on. You will thank yourself for it on the days you need your strength. Take care, much love x 

Thank you for replying LouLou and being so honest about things. My Mum is adamant that she wants to be at home so we are going to persevere with that but I need to remember that things might change. I'm trying my hardest to take each day as it comes, but it is hard. So hard to talk about things, I feel totally awkward around her at the moment because I don't want to upset her with saying the wrong thing. As much as it's so upsetting for me I need to take into account what it must be like for her, the fear of what is to come. It's all a learning curve for us and we are allowed to feel things and make mistakes, it's part of life I guess (oh the irony). Just got to keep putting one foot Infront of the other at this stage. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. 

Gosh I completely understand about feeling awkward. Some days were exhausting just thinking about everything I said before I said it. My mum was in denial too which didn't help. All care was refused up until the last two days because mum would go into meltdown if anyone dared mention McMillan or hospice. All were kept at arms length. I would talk about family, memories, what we were eating. She always talked about going shopping, I'd prepare to take her but then she was too tired. I realised after a while it was wishful thinking but I went along with it anyway. Some days she clearly didn't want any conversation so I'd just either watch tv with her or even go. Before she couldn't leave the house I'd take her for a drive. Just quietly driving around which she loved. I'd be positive around her then fall to bits after, it's just how my mum was. Never once did she talk about it bless her.  She wanted "normal". That meant me moaning about work, talking about the soaps, anything on the news etc. You know your mum best like I knew mine. I asked mum about her childhood and things. I found things out id never have known and she seemed to enjoy talking about it.  The advice I had from the nurse was trust you gut and I did. X x 

It's a strange one because it's almost like you're trying to get to know them all over again but I don't want to push it because it's obvious, if that makes sense! I have a half brother and sister from my Mum's side that haven't seen her for years, they haven't exclusively fallen out which is the weird thing they just stopped seeing her. She was absolutely adament that they were to know nothing about the cancer etc but I've managed to convince her that they should know regardless of what's gone on. She's allowed me to tell them but it's been days since she agreed and I still can't think how to tell them. That's what is causing me a lot of anguish at the moment, because I know how guilty they will feel and she has told me under no circumstances does she want to see them! I guess it's better to tell them now rather than when she's gone. I'm not bothered about any backlash, it's their own doing so they can't make me feel bad about the situation. I feel like I'm rambling on again, as soon as I start I can't stop, so maybe it might be worth me putting pen to paper. What I have to remember is that people go through this every single day, in different ways, and it is comforting to know I'm not alone in this.

You sound torn apart by your mother's likely demise. How you feel and think sounds very human, to me.

Plus you have been strong for three years and may be getting exhausted, but hang in there, as best you can. You'll be glad you did. Love and blessings to you and your family...