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My father has terminal cancer.

Mark_22
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I have been struggling to come with terms that one day I won't be able to pick up the phone and call my father, or just pop round to say hello. 
 

October 2021 our lives changed forever, he went to the hospital with a bad back after 2 previous back operations we thought this was just going to be the same as last time. However, we were very mistaken as after 2-3 weeks in the hospital we got the phone call to go down and speak with him and a doctor. 
 

It was then the news was broken to us that the back pain was actually cancer at the bottom of his spine, spread from his prostate and now covering the majority of his body and his bones and wasn't curable. I put on a brave face and reassured him we will get through it. Originally given 5+ years with treatment we thought we had time to continue making memories. 
But after more tests and scans that was cut down to 1-2 years and this has totally changed things, he has deteriorated so fast with weight loss and his skin getting paler/yellow I feel we don't have long. 
 

I am just wondering, how do we cope? I don't show my emotions around him as he is worried about the house, the car, work etc. 

When I get home, I have all these emotions 1 moment Il be crying because he's going, then Il be angry because he didn't get himself checked when the pains first started again which may have saved him which I know is all ifs and buts. 
 

Do I show emotions in front of him? Sorry if this post is confusing it's very hard to put into words when you're struggling to focus. 
 

This is the first time I've opened up about it to anyone, my friends are there and my wife but I feel like a burden putting my troubles on them. 
 

Thanks for reading. 

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    Hi Mark

    Sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. Did he like yourself just think his bad back was another bout of previous bad back, maybe he tried to see a GP who may also have thought it a recurrence of previous back problems, which I'm guessing would have been through lockdown too. I ask this as when you say you're angry that he didn't get it checked: may not be the case / may not have been that simple. 

    What matters now, is his needs during what time he has left and your time together.

    Tell him how you feel and don't be afraid to let him see your emotions but put the anger aside as it won't solve or change the situation and what time is left is way too precious.

    There are many shoulders on this site whenever you need one.

    Kindest.

     

     

     

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    Don't bottle anything up. Share your feelings with him. Even if it is only 1 or two years, there is always time to make memories and spend quality time together. 

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    Hi Mark

    My father passed in December 2021 after a six month battle with a very sudden onset of sarcoma. There is no way to cope... I had just come back from my honeymoon when my family told me that he was sick. The next few months went by in a big blur, but he was in so much constant pain. He lost 15kg in 2 months. Things didn't get better after the surgery to remove the massive tumor... he deteriorated in the hospital and his body shut down. It was absolutely awful. But while he was alive I was with him every step of the way, even when he had a trachy and couldn't talk, even when he was hallucinating from all the meds he was on. There is no right or wrong thing to do. Just be there with him, even in silence. Hold his hand, massage his feet. Tell him everything is going to be okay, and that he only needs to focus on himself - forget the house, the car, the petty things. It's been 8 months since my dad died and I am still feeling raw - the hurt I feel comes in giant waves and drowns me. Hang in there. You won't be a burden by talking to your spouse or close friends.

  • Offline in reply to EmmaOll

    Thank you all for your replies the advice you offered has been taken on board. I've spoke to my father about things and been open and honest with him which has made things a little easier.

    I have also seemed professional help by seeing a Therapist which has really helped as I can pour out all my concerns/worries and anything else I need to address and not feel a burden on my family. 
     

    many thanks! 

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