This is very long and don,t really expect anyone to read it all just had to get it off my chest :)

My dad got diagnosed with  terminal brain cancer 7 months ago, 3 months into my first year at uni 2 and half hours drive away.  I still remember the phone call from my mum vividly I just felt so lost and far away to help. He's recently turned 49 and I always thought id have ages of time left with him and never really put too much thought into it. 

I'm only 18 and my parents have always protected me and especially since November have tried to tell me as little as possible as they don't want me to worry at uni and wanted me to have a normal first year as possible, going as far as not telling me my dad went into surgery till after it was over which annoyed me massively. He also refused to facetime I or even voice call me as he looked very different and his speech was massively affected.  I guess at uni I forgot about it as much as possible, I had an amazing time and made some amazing friends but also kept a lot of my feelings locked up and barely spoke about it all to anyone.

Christmas break was tough, I had covid so didn't go home till chirstmas eve and found my dad in a lot worse condition than i pictured him but he got better towards the end, during the Easter break he seemed a lot better just low in morale and spirit as he had to stop most of his favourite hobbies, for context he's a very active person and use to climb, play hockey and cycle daily, seeing him not able to do this broke my heart.

Since I came home for summer a couple of weeks back, and have been here full time I've realised how different life is now, we got a puppy a couple of months back and to see the smile on my dad's face when Lilie come and sits on her lap makes my day every time. but seeing him get tired so quickly doing things that before he found so easy but doesn't want to stop as he's so frustrated by it all.

I've realised how strong my mum is working full time from home, driving my dad everywhere and looking after him as well as looking after my sister who has pretty bad mental health, I have no clue how she does it and I try to help out as much as possible but I can see how tired she is. 

My sister sat her GCSEs this summer, and I have no clue how really it's crazy.

It's my 19th Birthday on Saturday, and as much as I want to spend it out with my best mates I feel like I should stay at home with my family as it could be the last and there will be others I can go clubbing on right? But I know if I ask them they will tell me to go out that I'm only 19 once.

I opened my first-year results the other day and found out I got 74% ( a first ) in my first year of Aerospace Engineering, and I felt so proud I knew my dad was but I just kept thinking about the fact he might be there to see me graduate in 4 years time or walk me down the aisle in the future and I don't know how I can cope with that right now. 

I really don't want to go back to uni in September as it means ill be back on a 4-hour train journey from home again and not there to spend time with him, but I guess I have to keep moving and living my life but all I want to do is stay here and be here. we climb together still ( well I climb mainly ) and I cherish those memories so dearly, he's the reason I got into it and hockey as well, id probably not be studying engineering without him, he made me who I am and I'm proud of it. 

I'm just not ready to lose him

If you made it to this point thanks for reading my thought blurt  :)