Hi Kittykali, I am so sorry about your mother.  Just like you, I was still quite young when my mum died of cancer.  I still lived at home with her and my whole life was tipped upside down when she died.  Just llike you, I was left wondering if the doctors could have done more for my mum, and the truth is, I will never know.  I guess it is the same for you.  There are things in life that we will never get an answer to.  The guilt you are feeling is completely normal.  We always think that we could have done more for our loved ones, we think we could have been nicer, kinder, more helpful, but you know what?  Eventually you will realise that you did the best that you could and that you are not super-human.  You love your mum and she loves you, and that will never die.  That love will be with you all your life.  Even now, so many years later, I can feel my mum's spirit around me.  Somehow you will find the strength to get through this........it's incredible but true.  You just find an inner strength that you never knew you had.  Take care mate, and your last sentence is so true:  Everything will fall in to place somehow.  Sending love and virtual hugs, Violet, xx

Thank you so much for replying. I look forward to recievong replies on here like little presents. Just being able to hear from people who have gone through similar things is bringing me a lot of comfort. Thank you for your words. They were what i needed to hear. 

Hi Kittykali, 

So sorry to thear about your mum. Very simialar to you, I lost my mum too early, I thought I would have her for another 30 years. She passed away only 3 months after diagnosis and the devestation, shock and loniless it has left is too unbearable to describe. 

I also feel very angry and let down by the NHS and hosptial, the continuous delays and lack of urgency meant my mum still had not started any treamtment before she passed. I feel this is one of the reasons she deteriorated so quickly. From reading a lot of post, it seems too common. 

The only advice I can give it to be with your mum as much as possible whilst you still have time. 

God bless x

 Hello KittyKali

I am so sorry, I'm a full time carera for my mum who I live with.  If you read my story in my blog I am in the same situation as you, surgeons at my local hospital told us we should be greatful they saved my mums life and brought her time.  I don't understand why my local hospital here in London has such a great reputation, I am so desperate for help.  Asked my GP for anti depressants the other week, I'm in a mess. Its been a tough 8 months and its going to get worse because of my local hospital, who totally washed their hands with my mum once they found a tumour on her liver.  She keeps going going down with cholecystitis, their idea instead of operating on her is to give her rotating antibiotics until the infection kills her or she goes into liver failure from the medication. She hasn't been able to start chemo because of the infections, kept fobbing us off, she was about to have a prosedure to unblock her bile duct when they did a MRI scan and it showed a tumour on her liver, it gave them a good excuse.  Now I have no trust in that hospital.

sorry for wat you are going thru. its really tough. but hopefully one day you will be amazed how you came thru it all. i'm going thru it with my dad and struggling with how hard its been with communicating with the nhs doctors, or getting clear answers. this week, they all of a sudden decided to stop all treatment, and move to end of life care. was so strange. we weren't expecting that. before they'd said we might have some trials to do. its so hard. and very odd to be 'discharged' by them. that's it. off you go. good luck. don't be hard on yourself. try to stay positive and look after yourself. its what our loved ones want us to do.

Thank you for responding. i find these messages are the only things that make me feel a bit less alone. as soon as i come home and the sun sets i become a mess. Docs also were making it seem that we will find out about chemo treatment plans and all of a sudden they tell us she's got maybe weeks to live. i am struggling to trust any staff at the moment. they forget things and yet act so offended when i remind them just in case. 

You are not alone - this is pain greater than anything i've experienced. Rollercoaster of emotions. All we can do is wish that they go out as peacefully as possible, without having to suffer for a long, dragged out time. I don't think the pain will ever go away but i hope i can manage to deal with it somehow over the next few years. Today I just tried to remind myself that she will be going where her mother and father are (her mum died young also) and that when it's time for me to go I will be able to joint her spiritually. which is a bit strange because i've always been more leaning towards believing in reincarnation. but i don't really mind either way. for now it makes me feel happy that she will be on her mothers arms somehow. 

I only wish the best for the future cancer patients going thru this horrible system. there just isn't enough hospitals in my ever expanding town and i just hope something gets done about that. 

Sending my love and i hope your dad and you all are able to smile and laugh together at least a little. Take care 

Hi. Thank you for replying. It's so devastating to lose a mother so young. I keep finding new reasons to be upset about - that i won't be able to feel her warm hand or her kisses. i always turned her to my cheek when she kissed me and it kills me inside to remember all the times i could have given her more time- more love - more attention. i look at the flowers she grew and weep because they won't feel her love anymore. but i guess they will. her love will never die. gosh i'm crying again. 

she is so beautiful. i hope you are doing a bit better - or that you have figured out how to deal with the pain a little. Trauma like this is very confusing as a human being - i suppose it's just the depth of attachment and avoiding the reality of impermanence. however it's said though, it still hurts the same. I guess everyone will go thru something similar sometime. I keep listening to Johnny Cash's 'Hurt'.

The state of the NHS is pretty terrifying and I wish more of the population was aware of this. I feel it's only right that more people know that cancer is a million more times more scary than it needs to be simply because of underfunding and privatisation. 

Take care

Hi 

it's also 2:15am here and I too can't sleep and understand how you feel. Helpless. My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago and was told it had spread. She has never smoked which is where my anger comes from. 

we were told Sunday that she is now end of life and us since had a driver fitted and is at home like she wanted. Her pain is currently not being managed and we are doing a lot of running around between the doctors, the hospice and district nurses. It's upsetting because no one tells you how hard managing this side of things will be: 

she has not eaten, drank or spoke in days and I find myself googling "how long" to find answers to how long she will suffer and how long we have to remain helpless and as brutal as it sounds, watching her die. 

like you I feel better writing this and "saying out loud". 
you are not alone and my advice is to try and remember your mum, not this horrible disease or what it's doing. Think of happy memories, now I'm going to take my own advice and try and sleep.