Does he even care? Dad behaving aggressively towards us

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in october..she had tumours removed and then became bedbound 5 months ago when it spread to her hip. She wss in hospital for months then the hospice. My father was careful to ensure my sisters and i didnt discuss anytthing regarding her prognosis etc with her. He became very controlling around when we could see her. I began to insist she came home which he was against and was shouting at me one day that hes in control and accused me of ***********. In the end i arranged a meeting with hospice staff and my mum sisters and dad..following on from the merting it was agreed she came home. I had reduced my hours to spend time with mum, i cooked and cleaned and did whatever i could (i dont want a medal for this) my mum has been home almost 1 month and my dad was very rude to me on several occasions. On top of this my mu. Told me she was trying to contact her bank in ireland for some reason but couldnt remember her login details ..she seemed distressed so i called them to find out the process and couldnt get through yo them so i sent the numbers to my parents to call at their convenience. My dad  went ballistic that evening ringing me up and putting her on the phone crying saying 'please dont call our bank' then he was msging me aggressively swearing and saying look what youve done...ehen really he had caused a huge issue. He told me she was confused and the following day she mentioned the bank again he still denied she was contacting her personal bank in ireland. My sister confirmed one day she walked in and they were surrounded by files and he hung up the phone and said we will call again tomorrow as ny sister was there. 

He has threatened me and my sisters saying he is 'observing us as he knows we will have our hands out'

My mum was always the loving parent and they had planned to sell their 6 bedroom house and give us each some money to help us get on the ladder. He has also been searching probate for someone dying without a will. 

I dont care about the money but how can he behave like this after 42 yrs of marriage? Hoe csn he ignore his kids? Why is he so adament for us to get £0.

Hes been googling holidays to bulgaria snd sports cars. It makes me hate him. I feel lije when mum dies i will have no parents as the resentment i have built up inside me these last 5 months is unreal. I feel like he puts on an act infront of people but he doesnt really give a ***. He sleels through the night and my sisters and i do the cooking and cleaning yet he pretends to everyone hes some sort of martyr.

He freaked out on my sister and got aggressive one day too and now she no longer wants to live with him. 

What kind of dad does this? 

My mum is in her last days and i feel like all he cares about is himself. She sleeps in the living room and he cant even bring his bed downstairs to sleep with his dying wife. It makes me sick...if it were him she would never behave like this. He hasnt ONCE asked us how ee are or even hugged us when we cry. It feels so unfair...why her? Things would be so different. 

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

  • I am sorry to hear about what you're going through, Hannah, maybe this is his way of coping? He doesn't want to break down and become emotional about losing his wife and if he acts this way it means he is able to keep his composure? I don't know him so I am only guessing but probably the best thing to do is the next time he becomes overtly aggressive is just say 'we're all hurting dad, it's OK to cry but no-one is to blame and certainly not me' because if he is still married to your mum then he loves her on some level and his way in dealing with it is taking it out on you because you can take it.

    You're right about it not being fair, life is unfair as it likes to prove to us all the damn time. I am 50 now and know life is unfair and even I asked when my mum passed away from lung cancer (she never smoked and drank the once... when she first told me she got lung cancer I said 'how can you have it?') why is life unfair? But I knew the answer and that's because it just is.

    However, your mum is lucky and a bounty more worthy of gold and that's kids who love and care for her and she knows this. You keep loving and caring for your mum with the time she has left and when she leaves us. She will know she has raised, good, decent kids that are an asset to the world. Take care, Hannah.

  • Really sorry to hear what you are going through Hannah.  It seems like a family crisis brings out the best or the worst in people.  To give your Dad the benefit of the doubt, perhaps this is his way of coping. Men often feel that they have to be 'strong' and that they can't break down and cry, so they become angry instead.  On the other hand Hannah, MAYBE you are seeing your Dad's true colours.  I know how painful that is, when you discover that a loved one is not the person you thought they were.  It feels as if your whole life was built on a lie, but one thing will always remain true Hannah:  The deep and genuine love that you and your Mum have for each other.  Nothing and no-one can take that away from either of you.  As for life being unfair, yes, it certainly is.........there is no rhyme or reason to it, and often it truly does seem to be the case that good people die too soon and wicked people live to be old.  Hannah, when your Mum passes, you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you did everything you possibly could for her, and that she left this world knowing how loved she was by you and your siblings.  You stepped up to the plate.  Take care mate, xx