Oh honey, I see your pain. Had father in law go in for cancer surgery a few years back. He was otherwise fit and healthy. Being mouth cancer, he had trouble eating, drinking etc but managed some when we were there. In a few weeks he became too weak to eat and needed tube feeding. In my opinion, they never helped him eat or drink. Tube feeding became too difficult because he resisted apparently. He died within 4 months and we had to watch him slowly die once all interventions were removed. Took 9 days. I'm sure more could have been done for him. Now got breast cancer and feeling a bot worried about any advice they give me. I know NHS are generally amazing but when you see a loved one basically neglected, it's hard to forgive. It is unforgivable.

My love to you. Dwelling on what has been will not change the outcome (unfortunately) It is so hard to let it go. I'm 5 years gone and still makes my blood boil. 

Take time for yourself. Think - what would Dad say...

Sorry if I've not helped but hope hearing you're not alone may give a little support if nothing else. 

Best wishes xx

I am sorry for your loss, Locking.

However, there will be no flak coming from me, I completely understand your anger at the substandard care you felt your family got. Have you made an official complaint to the hospital or the health trust in question? Probably that needs to be the first step. Good luck and like I said, I understand your anger (also, I think it is a lot more common than anyone thinks...).

Hi Carlos,

thanks for the reply- no we as a family haven't made an official complaint as my mum says it won't bring him back, she's right but my view is complaining might stop more families having to go though this watching their loved ones being treated so badly 

The PALS team would make all the right sounds but are really only paying you lip service, as is our experience already having made complaints about his care while he was in hospital 

The NHS were even callous enough to call my recently widowed mother less than 48 hours after his death to rate how she felt about the care he received in hospital, she was to upset to give the reply she wanted and the same as my dad she was far to polite, PALS is a box ticking exercise and a place to cover up the dirty nasty mistakes the NHS make

i have a friend who lost a leg right up to the hip as a result of going into labour, she, after considerable effort gave up trying to sue the NHS for their mistakes, which wouldn't be an easy choice, imagine bringing up a child with only one leg and no chance of a false leg as there isn't even a stump to fit it to 

there is a lack of care right through the NHS starting at the top, it's no wonder the elderly don't want to go into hospital knowing how badly they will be treated, I for one would consider refusing treatment for cancer and live with the consequences rather than put myself in a position where I would get treated worse than an animal 

sorry for being so angry in my response but as you can see a year on from my father's death and I can't forgive them 

Don't apologise, Locking. I understand exactly how you feel, in the case of my mum, she has some great treatment and caring and had compassionate professionals looking after her and she also had some utterly incompetent lowlives looking after her who shouldn't be anywhere near a health care facility and elderly patients with terminal illnesses.

Reading your experiences and other people's on here, I think shows that this kind of lack of care isn't uncommon and without going too much into what happened to my mother by the times she was let down by the system. Your feelings regarding being offered 'treatment' (and the term 'treatable' sticks in my craw) if you ever get cancer is shared by me as well. After watching how my mum went, I am going to find a sunny beach somewhere and go that way if this damn disease falls my way.

Saying that, your dad and my mum won't want us to carry this anger and rage because simply, it isn't good for us. The one thing I can say about mum (and your dad) is they're now at peace and they're not suffering anymore - which brings me some comfort, I hope it does with you too. Take care.

Thanks Carlos

you are right it brings me great comfort to know he isn't suffering anymore, my mum is though as she misses him terribly, I still on occasions have to act as councillor when she's crying down the phone, she carries some guilt because she wasn't there at his bedside when he died, I think I will be telling her forever that she is 83 and just had a knee operation , she for weeks every night had to climb the stairs in the hospital as the lift was out of order and she just couldn't make it anymore, I've told her dad would understand and he told her himself he didn't want her coming and seeing him deteriorate, for quite a while she used to sit as if she was waiting to join him, that still hurts me seeing her like this, I have had to keep the very British stiff upper lip to help her and my sister is trying to fill a gap in mum's life running her around doing all the things dad did. I did cheer her up on my last visit, I found a bundle of old photos and set her the task of writing on the back who everyone is in the photos, that's keeping her busy for a while

anyway your mum and my dad should not have to endure being treated like they did when they are so helpless and vulnerable, they should feel safe, more noise needs to be made on this subject and not just accepted as a common problem, these dreadful nurses and doctors have no place in this sort of profession and should be outed and the caring people need to given the recognition they deserve