So my amazing supportive loving Dad who has been there for me my entire life survived cancer at the start of the pandemic.  Sadly he has been told that it has come back and he has 12-18months to live as it is a mass in his chest and under his collar bone lymph nodes and untreatable.  We thought he could have longer with chemo but apparently 12-18months is actually the good scenario only IF the chemo works.  He's not allowed radiotherapy as he's had it so recently in his chest.  Sitting in that room with him and knowing how scared he must be and helpless has really affected me.  I thought I was being strong. But I woke up having a panic attack and couldn't breathe and then I cried so so much.  

It kills me knowing I am going to lose my Dad and also how scary it is for him and my Mum.  I dread the say I hear my mums crying from the pit of her stomach like i heard when her mum (my nan) died.  I worry how she will cope without him after 52 years of marriage and 54 years together.  I worry how she will be alone indoors and I hate thinking of a life where my dad isn't In it.

I know others have lost loves ones early in life and that I should be grateful I've had him to the age of 73 but hand on heart when it comes to this moment I will gladly say I selfishly hate that I find myself in this position.  I selfishly want my parents with me forever and I want my mum to have her rock by her side always.

I'm not sure how I will cope or whether I'll ever be the same person again but I know I needed to vent and say my piece.

Any advice or guidance available?