Hello Lauamelia

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis and the time frame that the Consultant has shared with you. It's obviously devastating to be given this kind of information and I know many of our members here will understand how you're feeling at the moment. 

For now, try to enjoy Christmas together. It will likely be an emotional and difficult festive period but keeping busy can help. Take things a day at a time and try not to look too far ahead as this will leave you feeling more anxious. 

We do have some information on our website that you may find helpful to have a look at when you feel able to. We also have a team of nurses here at CRUK that you can call to chat with. Many people find it beneficial to talk things through with someone. Unfortunately, our nurse helpline is now closed for Christmas, but they will be back in the office on Wednesday 29th December and are available 9 am to 5 pm on 0808 800 4040 if you'd like to chat with them. I'm sure they will be able to offer some advice and support.  

Keep in touch Lauamelia and let us know how you're both doing. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Thank you for the response. Yeah it is emotional. Especially this time of year. I think it's harder that my dad doesn't know how long he has left. I feel like I'm keeping it a secret. But he doesn't want to know. And I believe it's the best thing for him. 
hopefully some more people reply as I know a lot of people are going through the same thing. 
 

merry Christmas 

lauren 

Lauren 

I am a lurker I often just read these posts on the back of me googling information about my situation. 
I had to reply as I literally have tears running down my cheeks. 
so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I am literally the same two months ago went the docs as my dad was getting confused, sent to hospital. Quiz night up the local one night hospital and scans the next day. Stage 4 brain cancer wow where did that come from. I am heartbroken like yourself and can relate. We have been offered chemotherapy and have had it but I can see this man literally dying in front of me and although we haven't been given a timescale each day it gets worse dropping things can't get dressed. It is so so hard to watch. I have to keep busy at Christmas I made the dinner washed up could hardly look at him because I just burst into tears. Last Christmas dinner last present. I'm struggling too. 
I think myself you are doing the right thing about not putting a time frame on your dad and not telling him. Some people may disagree but personally I think that adds enough pressure on him like it did with you. It is not something you can change so why add the worry, my dad keeps saying when I get better..... he's not going to but if you do not have hope then what do you have. Ultimately it is your descision and there are pros and cons of telling him and not. You will always worry you have made the wrong decision and also may be told by people you have made the wrong decision but I think you know what you are doing in terms of telling him. I agree with you. As my dad has brain cancer they tell me everything before him and I even was thinking about not telling him about that but we had to to have treatment. 
I have found that knowing the diagnosis and having a general idea of how long he's go left has enabled me to start my grief or whatever it's called I was an emotional wreck and enabled me to get a bit stronger as time went on to be strong and look after him.
 

I am 36 with 3 young children and my mum lives with my dad but she herself is in a wheelchair it's pretty grim at the moment and I am struggling emotionally as well as in general. 
I suppose I just wanted to say I feel your pain, I agree with your descision and big hugs. Squeeze that daughter of yours tight without my children I don't know how I would have got through the last two months. 
 

heartbroken too xxx

 

Hello, thank you for your response. I too cried at yours. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I wish we both had more time. I am going to see dad today to see how he is. It's not often I get a response on a text anymore as he sleeps A lot. Iv come to terms with the decision of not telling him I know deep down it's the right thing to do. He will just fade faster if he knows they said six months. I agree with you when you say you've started a grieving process. I feel like I have too. But I feel bad for it because he's still here. I'm glad your children are keeping you strong. We are lucky in that sense. But dreading what I'm gonna tell her when the time comes. My mum said they don't process death the way we do. She will know he's not coming back. But she will think he's just gone away. It's heartbreaking to think of. Thank you so much for your reply. I know I'm not alone. But it doesn't make me feel any better. Just makes me sad for the other families that have to go through the Same thing . Sending lots of love to you and your family. Ali though it doesn't seem it. It does get better. Lots of love. Lauren xx 

Hi Lauamelia,

I'm so sorry to hear the awful news about your father.

I rushed my mum to A+E in October with stomach cramps. She had a tumour blocking her intestine and after emergency surgery was diagnosed with advanced stage 5 colon cancer that has spread to her peritoneum. She was given 3-6months to live. We were told that chemo would not be advisable as she would end up quiet sick and in hospital a lot for something that will not cure her. She decided she wanted as much quality instead of quantity of life and opted for palliative care.

I am devastated and find myself scrolling online endlessly to get an idea of where we are in that timeframe. She is very weak, sleeping a lot and eating very little if anything some days.

the first few weeks, we got her to write a list of things she would like to do. Mostly 1:1 time with each of her friends/family and we threw ourselves into that list. 
im glad we did as I know she wouldn't be able for it now.

maybe your dad would like to do something like this?

My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time ️

Hi Lauren, I’m in a similar situation and have just had the worst Christmas ever knowing it’s the last with my mom.  

My mom is 84 and suffered a really bad fall early in October which resulted in a bleed on the brain.   Sadly we were also given the news that as well as the bleed, they had found a tumour on her frontal lobe.  We were devastated as she had shown no signs of the tumour.  She’s had a tough two years since losing my wonderful dad to cancer, suffering severe depression after his loss and coping with Crohns Disease and a list of other ailments too many to mention.  Due to her age, she has been offered no treatment other than steroids and we were told she had 2/3 months to live.  We are just completing her 3rd month and she is doing amazing.  She is incontinent, has limited mobility and needs 24/7 care due to being a fall risk, but on the whole she is still amazing us with her strength.

The bleed from the fall has resulted in some brain damage so she is unaware of her diagnosis only that she has bumped her head and she thinks she will get better!  It has been the toughest few months emotionally and physically, and not knowing what is to come is frightening.

We had very little information from the hospital, and very little help since.  There are no carers available due to shortages and we have been unable to speak to the hospital specialists as we were unable to visit the hospital due to covid restrictions while my mom was being treated.  

Its all very stressful, not knowing what to expect or what to look out for and I spend hours trawling the internet looking for information and answers.

We are trying to make the most of the time we have with her, Christmas was a milestone we were so pleased she reached and her birthday next week will be another.  Cherish every day, make memories and let your Dad know he is loved.  God bless you, stay strong x

Hi Lauamelia, 

My dad has been fighting cancer for the past two years, full of hopes and promises given to him that he would survive but ultimately treatment pushed back by covid really caused his prognosis to progress. 

He was taken ill early December and was taken to hospital where he was informed by another doctor the cancer had progressed and he had 6 months to live. I feel for the past two years I've stopped my life to support my mum and him and its now all amounted to nothing. My mum I feel so sorry for her she will be a widow for a second time. My dad seems to be denying the truth and if I'm honest I'm okay to play along if it means he is happier. 

He grows more and more tired every day. There are more naps every day and less walks. With covid circulating we've missed so much time together even with a sniffle or cough we can't take any chance of him catching anything. 

I just wanted to write to let you know others are feeling the same. Although different you aren't alone with your thoughts and feelings. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. But it's great she is reaching milestones. An early happy birthday to her from me for next week too! I think it's good that she doesn't know her diagnosis. I believe it all depends on the person too. But my dad is just sleeping a lot. And extremely bad tempered. 
 

it was hard for me to understand what was going on with Covid situation. I reached out to the oncologists left a voice Mail but never got a response and his app came through for 23rd December so all the questions I had to ask I asked then. Maybe call your oncologist team at the hospital and hopefully they'll be able to give you some answers that you don't have. Sending lots of love. I know it's hard. Lauren xx

Thank you for your reply. But it's so sad others are going through the same thing. Your poor mum too. You need to be strong for them both. I'm trying to do the same with my dad. He doesn't get dressed anymore he's always in his pyjamas. He's eating less, and sleeping more. I know the feeling of missed time. I'm the same especially if I feel like I'm getting a cold I won't risk it. I'm trying to be there as much as I can. I suppose that's all we can do now. 
 

sending love to you and your family.