Hi, my name is Nadia and I am a long term cancer survivor. I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old and finished treatment when I was 11. As a child, going through that whole process was quite easy at the time as I wasn't fully aware of what cancer was, what I'd have to go through, the pain and side effects, etc.
I am now 18 years old and recently, I have become more reflective about my past. I look back at what I went through at such a young age and get very emotional about it. I have an amazing support network with my family, however, not so much with my friends. My friends are caring and they do listen to me, but they didn't go through it with me as I wasn't friends with them at the time of my diagnosis. Of course that doesn't matter, but I sometimes feel as though they don't want to talk about it as it is a 'depressing' topic, which one of them has said in the past. When I think back to when I was ill, I am so grateful for the NHS and the amazing and incredible team of nurses and doctors, but I can't help to be selfish and ask why me? Or why anybody really! I am so priviledged to live in a country where there is a free health service, where I am surrounded by a good support network, and yet I can't help but think negative about all of it.
After I had finished my treatment and was getting back into the routine of things, I pushed my illness and everything relating to it to the back of my mind and just carried on with my life, as a way of coping with what I went through. At the time of my diagnosis, I couldn't do things other children my age could do. One time, I was in a PE lesson in primary school, and the teacher told everyone to do three laps running around the playground, but she said that I could do three laps walking instead. This was followed by my class mates telling me how lucky I was. I remeber ignoring her rules and running two laps before getting too tired to run any further. I constantly felt left out, and felt as though I wasn't a 'normal' child who could do 'normal' things. And so, pushing my illness to the back of my mind and carrying on with my life made sense, it was the easiest way to get back to normality. Although, this was a coping strategy, I do regret having done that as I have never been able to talk openly about what I went through. I even find myself sometimes feeling ashamed and embarrassed about what I went through, as if it was my fault when it wasn't. When telling someone what I went through, I instantly regret it. I get filled with a sense of shame and embarrassment, I honestly don't know why. And I don't regret it because of the person I told, I regret it more because I've told someone about a vulnerable part in my life, which again makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. A lot of my friends and family tell me that I shouldn't be ashamed and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I was wondering if anyone else felt the same sometimes or could give me some advice?
I recently went to a psychologist provided by the hospital to talk about my thoughts and feelings. From speaking with the psychologist, I could see that I was a very guilty person, in the sense that I felt I held a lot of responsibility for what happened to me. I felt bad that my siblings had felt left out when I was going through treatment and my parents were focusing their attention on me. I understand this wasn't my fault but it was just the way I felt. And my siblings weren't in any way angry at me or my parents. I was talking to my sister the other day and she said she found that when I was going through chemo, she struggled at school. Although having talked to a psychologist, I feel like I still need to talk to someone - another cancer survivor who is in the same boat as I am. Of course my family and friends are good people to talk to, but they don't really understand what I went through and I would like someone to relate to.
