My dad died on Monday in hospital.  Last week he was really struggling,  he became bedbound as his legs just weren't strong enough (occupational therapist was confident they could get him back on his feet though)  and he was out of breath despite being on long term steroids and oxygen support. .  He decided on Friday to go into the hospice for pain and symptom management.  The ambulance picked him up but en route to the hospice it was decided to take dad to the hospital as they felt he may have an infection.  (Hospice won't treat with IV antibiotics)  

I went to see him Sunday and although he was on maximum oxygen support,  he stilll had his sense of humour and was joking around.  (Asked why me and mum were standing by the bed like a pair of undertakers and put in a request to the doctor for a new set of lungs and a new pair of legs!) 

he kept saying he couldn't die on Sunday as it was Mums birthday.  We got a call on Monday to get to the hospital as dad was anxious and struggling.  He really wasn't himself Monday, gasping for breath was actually really distressing to watch him suffer so much.  They put him on a syringe driver around 11am.  Dad didn't want anyone with him,  said "if you don't go,  I will get you all barred" so we (Mum, myself,  sis,  my son and my sisters daughter) sat in the side room around the corner from dad and just popped in throughout the day to make sure he was comfortable.  Around 4.30 I went in to say my final goodbyes,  told dad that it was ok to drift off when he was ready.... we then sat in the relatives room reminiscing,  even laughing at some stories and around 4.45 dad slipped off.  
 

I have a permanent knot in my stomach..,, I can't eat.  I know my dad wouldn't want me to be sad but I can't help keep going over how quickly dad deteriorated.   

the coroner rang today to say that the cause of death was 1. Bronchial pneumonia 2.  Metastatic colon cancer 3.  Diabetes. 
 

I am now beating myself up wondering if they had given him different IV antibiotics whether he would have died?  

I'm also struggling with the fact he had so much fight left in him, right until the end but yet he's gone.  
 

I feel so Much for my poor mum  

sorry I know so many are going through similar.... I feel for you all. I just want to go to bed,  wake up and it all be a bad dream.