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Dad passed away 3 weeks ago

Pennywise
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Hi all 

 

sorry in advance long post and need advice 

My dad passed away three weeks ago , he was diagnosed with lung cancer in Jan 2020. Needless to say the last couple of years have been tough. My dad was lovely person but was also a little bit off a narcissist to me over the last few years. But still you have love and respect for the person.
 

So my issue here is now and I don't know if anyone has been in this same situation. I was supposed to move over to the USA 3yrs ago but delayed it due to my dad being unwell, my wife is American and has been totally understanding in that aspect. So we stayed in the UK and decided to be a support to dad and mum. I have one sister who lives locally , my dad was much closer to her and deemed her the apple of his eye. She married into a rich family and for some reason this gave my dad prestige. No idea why! The funny thing is my brother in law never visited my dad at all during him being unwell only on his birthday back in Feb this year and now closer to the time he was seriously ill. Now that dad has passed, mum is afraid to be alone at night , she is so co- dependent and whilst I will support and stay over I have now been getting into it with my sister who is acting like a military commander to ask when I am there what days what times ! It's really annoying and I have went off at her. 
 

I feel mum needs to get practice to things on her own. The other thing now is my wife wants to now spend more time with her dad after seeing what has happened, this is a fair point she wants to move next year to California once the paperwork has been done. I totally understand this as her father has a brain tumour which right now is not causing any problems as it's shrunk but he is 80yrs old and I guess you never know. My predicament is my fathers brothers have now said I am the head of the family and I need to look after mum , I have already put my life on hold by being here for dad . I can see if I go ahead with going to the USA that I will end up cutting off the family members this I know too well. My reasons for going is to provide a better life for our young daughter and that my wife has spent 5yrs here in the UK she feels happier in the US. 
 

I am torn because I know my mum will use emotional blackmail and I will feel guilty and then I have my erratic sister who will be passive aggressive towards me. I have my dreams and aspirations of what I want to do and have done my sacrifices. Am I being selfish that I am thinking to go , I am sad my dad has gone but I know he is not suffering anymore but I am stuck in the middle and need to look at my wife as my priority. Any advice pls. 

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    Hello Pennywise, 

    First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Your dad only passed away three weeks ago so it must all be so raw for you still. It was nice of you and your wife to be there for your dad and to delay going to the USA in order to be around. I am sure he very much appreciated this difficult decision you took and your wife was very kind to be patient and to support you through this tough time. There seem to have been family tensions between you and your sister and this must have been rather stressful for you. Whilst it was nice of you to have been staying with your mum overnight, I can understand why you are feeling that your mum will eventually need to get used to being on her own again progressively and that you now feel it is your wife's turn to be close to her dad. 

    It's a difficult major life decision to have to take and only you will know what feels right in your heart for you and your family. You have already given your very best to support your dad while he was very poorly and to be there for your mum in the weeks that followed his passing. You are definitely not being selfish and I think you have a right to do whatever feels right for you, your wife and your family indepedently of what other members of your family might think. If you decide to go to the USA, maybe you can make sure before you leave that your mum has a good support network around her, that she is not left alone if she feels she needs company. Those are practical things you can organize before you go to ensure that the transition goes smoothly for them too. 

    I wish you the very best of luck whatever you choose to do. I will now let our members come and say hello and they may well have some helpful thoughts for you on the matter! 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

     

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Lucie

    Appreciate your reply , we are giving mum support now and I am still sad at my fathers passing. I am grieving but trying to keep busy. I said I would a year to mum to give her that support. I need to look at my own life too. Appreciate other folks thoughts too. Thanks 

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