My mum passed away 8th September at only 53. I have another post with all the details of how ovarian cancer and very late diagnosis, dropped an atom bomb into mine and my immediate families lives.

The grief I am experiencing is strange, because I am mostly numb and then there are intense feelings of longing mixed in with these.

Two weeks before she died and was still lucid (but barely thanks to the advancing cancer and opioids) she expressed how worried she was for myself and my dad. We are both sensitive and have suffered with mental illness, my dad also lost his mum at 14 and lives burdened with this pain still to this day. 

I don't want to keep obsessing over the events leading to my mum's premature death, the mistaken fibroid diagnosis :angry: etc. I can't help but keep going over minor details, I know in my heart of hearts nothing changes and all I do is make things worse for myself, but I'm left with why, why did they not do further investigations sooner etc. What stopped them giving the most important person in my life an abdominal CT scan in March :angry: 

My mum was everything to me, I was always ever so attached to her and so incredibly grateful to have a mum like her. My mums only want for myself and my sister was to be happy, however we saw fit, there was no pressure or expectation, just pure love and joy at our moments of happiness. The way she always knew how I was feeling and if I was feeling low she'd go out of her way to help me. I've had failed relationships and friendships and the only consistent person in my life was my mum. 

Even when I moved away for uni I would video call her at least once a day. I tried to forge a new life for myself and be an adult, tried to make meaningful friendships, a relationship and a career, non of this happened for me. The one thought that always silenced suicidal thoughts or even taking my own life was 'I can't do this to my mum'. 

I am left numb and empty without her unconditional love and I don't really have anything to fall back on as support, I don't have a partner or any best friends. I can't go to my dad for help because he's utterly heartbroken and he says daily in the evenings 'one day closer to being with you again'. As for my sister we are polar opposites and my grandparents are struggling but are 'fighting' the grief by being 'tough'. This is only working for my grandad, my grandma tries to keep busy to 'fight' the grief but continues to cry multiple times a day. 

The horrible irony in this is, she is the person I want to go to, she is the person I want a hug from. 

I think I just needed to vent and it's helped me get some tears out. I miss her on an indescribable level and know this is the worst loss I will ever experience.

I already know as a 'broken' person people do not want to be around you. It's only been 7 weeks and people arent caring as much. I understand for them life goes on, but life is surreal for me. I am fortunate that I am not working this year and I will go back to university in September 2022. I know for some working helps, but I just know that some days I struggle to leave my bed, even on days where I'm doing the 'right' thing such as exercising, cleaning/tidying, cooking and learning something new, as soon as I stop I'm just left with what's the point. 

Everyone tells you people are the most important part of your life, well I've lost the most important person. I cant see a way of meeting new people, I am willing to throw myself into doing new activities to meet others (I have travelled alone for example and met people along the way). Ultimately you can't control that situation and force people to want to talk to you.

My mum was the person for me to talk to every single day without fail and we shared so much in common. She was so positive, mostly smiling and had such an infectious laugh, she also loved music and sang along and danced.

There's so much more I could say about her and the giant void I'm left with without her.

​I miss you mum.