Hi all, 

I guess I am writing this to anyone out there who can give me an comfort or has experienced anything similar as I feel so lost right now. 

My dad was 74 when he died last week and I am only 32. He had smoked for years- please don't judge him he was old school and worked as an engineer for years where they all smoked. I had asked him to stop for the last 10 years constantly but he didn't want to, he really enjoyed it. He wasn't someone you could talk about his feelings with, he was stubborn so that conversation would be shut down and life had to move on. We were extremely close. 

He had coughed for a few years on and off but nothing major and wouldn't go to the doctors as he didn't want to trouble them. But recently, he had developed a bad hip, and shoulder. They were causing him a lot of pain and stopped him working in his garage which is what he loved doing. This made him finally go to the doctors. We didn't really entertain the idea they were connected and initially they didn't seem concerned. 

He went to the hosptial appointments with my mum as I don't live locally and all they kept telling me was they've ordered another scan, but we don't know anything yet. They've ordered an X-ray, but they don't know anything yet. Dad had convinced himself and us all they weren't connected and overall he didn't seem too ill- just uncomfortable with the hip. 

I got the chance to go on a last minute holiday and dad said he really wanted to me to go- he almost insisted I must, whatever the result he said- there's nothing you can do and I'll be here to talk to when you get back. 

He died on the last day of my holiday. I found out all at once that he had to have a broncoscopy to confirm the cancer and my parents didn't want to tell me until they knew. He got a chest infection from it which became pneumonia and he died in a few days. 
 

It turns out he had stage 4 Lung cancer which had spread to his bones. It was in his neck, back, shoulder, hip and ribs. He was too weak to fight off the infection.

I have had to come to terms with the diagnosis at the same time as losing the closest person in my life. He went from having a bad hip, to being gone forever.

I spoke to the doctors and they said he was incurable of the cancer and it would have been palliative care. But I can't cope with the fact that still could have given me a chance to say goodbye. Would the last months / years have been bad? 

He told me jokingly and openly that he just wanted to die quickly whenever he went, so really atleast he got that wish. 

If anyone knows anything to help me, please do. I don't know what to do to cope with the grief and I can't stop myself trying to understand the cancer and if there was another way if he didn't get the infection. He is gone too soon. 

Thank you for reading my story. 

Hannah