Hi love, it's so hard losing your Mum in a horrible way, it plays over and over in your head and even when you try to clear it away it pops back in like a black worm.  My Mum died over two years of dementia, slowly fading away bit by bit, until she was no longer my funny happy Mum who drove me mad at times but had always been there for me.  So yes it's early days and no one should expect you to be over it, ever.  My daughter's and I are close and I'm now 73 and wonder how they will cope when I'm no longer here but I would want them to  know that we loved each other, that we had happy relationships, and that is what they should focus on, because life does go on, even though we're bot here in the flesh.  Mum's teach you to be brave and strong, live your life and look after each other and truly that's how I would wish mine to live when I'm gone.  To stop the horrible memories of my Mums death I found a beautiful photo of her and framed it, put it on the dresser, or by the TV and each morning I spoke to her, telling her how I felt, good things, bad things and I knew she was listening.  It's now nine years and Mum's photo is still in pride of place, yes I miss her but now I have grand children and they love me, life is a circle and it has good and bad times, but it seems you had more good than bad with Mum and that is a blessing to be remembered, some don't have that at all.  My husband has lung cancer so I sympathise with what you've been through.  Let me know how you get on and take care, love Carol 

Hi carol , thank you for taking the time to reply to me . I know I am very thankful for having her I know a lot of people are not blessed with a good relationship with their parents and for that I am greatful, I know we all unfortunately have to go through this in our lives my dad died suddenly when I was just 11 and mum became mum and dad and now Iv just turned 40 I'm an orphan and feel so alone . I am single and have no kids to keep my mind occupied I guess it's just learning to live with the new normal and switch my brain off as I feel it goes 24/7 .. someone told me the tears I cry represent the love we had which is a nice way to think about it . I also do what you do with the picture and I talk to her like a mad woman lol I hope your husband is doing well as can be and is being looked after by his medical team, these people are truly amazing . Thanks again! Sending you love and strength xx 

Yes it's not easy, my Dad abandoned us and my Mum and I battled on to keep a roof over our heads, despite his best intentions to get us out of the family home.  I'm fortunate that I now have family to love and a husband who fights each day to stay alive and positive, I don't know how he does it, I would not have been so stoical as he is. We're four years in on treatment now and coming to the end of it in January 2022.  Perhaps you could find someone else to help and look after, there are a lot of women who have no relatives and would love to be engaged in conversation and company from others, Age UK could put you in contact, just an option for later when you feel able to.  Carol x

That sounds like a good idea I might look into that ! I went to the graveyard earlier to see my mum and there was a man there , I was thinking who is this man and whats he doing ? Anyway he told me the council had charged him £600 to fix his mums head stone as it was falling over so now he likes to help others , he had spent the afternoon fixing this for me for free what an amazing man I was in tears it just shows there are amazing people in this world ! Imagine doing this for a complete stranger !  
your husband sounds like a strong man please give him my best wishes and look after yourself I know how hard it can be on you as well as your husband xx