I hate Monday's always have always will and can you believe it Kevin passed away on a Monday ~ so I've got tomorrow.

Today, I tried to keep busy ~ doing what goodness only knows ~ but it's 1:00pm and I just sat down in my kitchen and thought 'god this is ***' & like you I'm walking around the garden, house just doing nothing.  I'm thinking about washing the car just so it passes another 1/2 hour. I phone keeps pinging and I just can't even be bothered at answering it and talking to anyone, all they say is 'how are you'

I have told so many people this, but there is a good book out called It's Ok not to be Ok by Megan Devine, you will think it's written especially for you, well worth a read, get the kids to read it too, it explains grief your loss and just really how you are feeling right now. My son was told to buy it, he did past it on to his sisters and then he brought me one.

I suppose you have that dreadful day to organise too which will  be tough but you know when I was organising Kevin's I made sure every single person knew we were going to celebrate his life, he was a lovely man, made me laugh and was my soulmate.

You and your kids will celebrate Katrina's life & what she was all about.  We did the order of service all about him and not the bod standard one everyone has, we had so many photo's of him in it, funny things he said & a dittie who wrote me on our Wedding Day with a picture of us two.  How we organised it helped us enourmously.

Take small steps and they are small, get you and your kids together, chat, laugh at the daft things she did, cry because the situation is rubbish & you are all grieving, tell them stories of when they were little and say Mum use to do this, Mum use to do that ~ just prop each other up ~ no one in this world will understand what you 3 are going through right now and how you feel, just be there for each other & tuck yourself in 

C x

Yes holidays as due to Covid so many things were put on hold and the many things we had planned to do together once restrictions were lifted are now just empty promises. Cancelling her passport was like a knife through my heart.

As for weekends had to think what day of week it was and realised Sunday and have spent this morning listening to music trying to decide what will be played at funeral so truly not the weekend i would have wished for. In fact the 1st weekend since her death. 

People starting to bug me too now as lost count of times i been asked are you eating properly etc....of course im not and even simple requests like asking people if they will be attending the wake so i can get some idea of the the numbers as want to do it properly for her are answered with will check and let you know.

I suspect many birthdays etc will be missed in the coming months as those things she always dealt with but also know i need somehow to get on top of the stuff she used to organise as she would have wanted me to and would feel like i am letting her down not doing them. 

You are right Covid really has magnified the sense of loss, certainly it has to myself and the kids. All that time spent trapped essentially and for what at the end, absolutely no bright side whatsoever. I have yet to progress in any significant way the what seems like giant list of entities that need phoning or visiting to cancel this or change that as I don't want to be having the same conversations over and over right now.

My wifes wishes were to be cremated and the crematorium only allows 28 people in who have to be on the list. Same issue it's a simple thing could you just give me a plain yes or no as to whether you are coming to the church service and then the crematorium. 3 days on almost and not one single person has had the common decency to confirm either way. 

I have numerous WhatsApp messages, texts etc sitting on my phone asking me the same thing how are you doing today. I don't have any desire to respond as the answer will be no different from the one yesterday to the one tomorrow!! 

Fortunately there are no birthdays coming up until next year but I know our anniversary in November is going to be extremely tough and then that's followed closely by the next best one Christmas! ***!. Hopefully things will be slightly different then, hard to see that far ahead.

Totally get the work aspect, falling at the end of the month as it does I have to get all her accounts and invoicing done for the business. Don't do it don't have any money coming in but have tried a little today and just end up staring at the computer monitor with nothing achieved. Trying to do things as and when I feel I am up to them, but then I find myself just sitting wherever staring off in to space just thinking I can't be bothered. 

I guess we just have to try to not see this mountain sitting in front of us right now as impenetrable or unscalable! Just chip a few rocks away at a time when we can and eventually it may look a little smaller and manageable! That said don't think it will ever get down in size to the proverbial mole hill though!

Morning

Hope you managed to get some sleep, I was my usual 3:00pm awake and now feel exhausted, but then again I am always exhausted, I think grief is exhausting.

I work in a School so have to put my actors/mask face on every day and boy that is tough, can't stand it tbh but have no choice.

Sorting everything out is horrendous and the list is forever, I hate every single minute of dealing with all of this, it's upset, it tightens my heart even more and I just can't see any light at the end of this long, long road I am on.

Your baby girl, very sweet and kind of her, her heart must be broken to not only losing her mum but seeing her dad look so beaten and sad. Keep the whale in your pocket x

Today, have a day, survive another day James, that's all I'm doing.

I laid in bed this morning and just wished that Kev could just come and put his arms around me and say, it's ok, just to feel him one more time.  Now the tears are flowing of how much I truly miss him.

Catch up later, if it helps you keep posting, if it's too much, PM me and I will chat privately

C x