writing this is breaking my heart...
My beautiful dad was the most courageous brave successful man. A talented man a humorous man my idol, someone to look up to. Never moaned about his upbringing, his illness, his life, nothing. He had a challenging start to life but that pushed him to be the successful man he was. He never gave up....he trained as a pilot and electrician, a gas engineer, went back to university and qualified as a maths teacher, a bus driver, he was an asset to cae electronics, he built houses, a property developer and so much more and he accomplished all of this all own his own...like I said my idol.
In November 2020 he was driving his bus and had a slight accident very minor hitting the edge of a parked car, no one was hurt just a small jolt. He stepped off the bus and felt dizzy and disorientated but didn't complain. A couple of days later he had to go to hospital as it was much worse. There they found a stage 4 glioblastoma brain cancer. He was booked in for debulking surgery and immediately started 3 weeks every day of radiation therapy. In this time he had multi sezuires and started deteriorating really fast. He was originally told at diagnosis in November he had 16 months to live I found this out Christmas eve. After him quickly deteriorating and losing himself, his ability to remember, to hold a cup, to put on a top, to use a phone to go to the toilet to wash himself, a 56 year old strong independent man never been ill never been in hospital never complained lost himself to this tumour. In May 21 he was moved to St wilfrids hospice in Eastbourne as that was his wishes he didn't want his family to watch him slowly die, but regardless of that I signed off sick from work travelled the distance and spent every other day at his bedside for endless hours. Just before he went in to the hospice the doctors said he had up to 6 months. So 16 months turned into 6 months.
1.30am on the 1st June 2021 I recieved that daunting call that now haunts me forever that its time to get there. Sadly I arrived at 3.10am and he had gone. Thats how he wanted it but it tore my heart apart that I missed him by 10 minutes. I had to quickly get child care and arrange transport as I couldn't drive in that state and its a 45 minute drive and I missed him by 10 minutes. I went in to see him I wrapped him in his blanket I bought him which he couldn't be without and kissed him goodnight and I lay over him telling him I'm sorry and I love him so much. At 57 years old my dad was gone. Diagnosis to death 7 months. The loss is unbareable life is no longer normal im a changed person im broken. I spend every Saturday at his plot where I buried his ages with a rose Bush watching blackadder one of his all time go to programs. I have finger print jewelry in form of a necklace and a pandora ashes to glass charm with his ashes in that I never take off. His blanket lives on my bed.
He is my 1st love the only man I ever truly trusted 100% love unconditionally he is my everything.
I love you so much dad I miss you more than words can ever explain. What am I going to do without you.
