How to go on

My brother passed Aug 21st at 32 years old of colony cancer that had spread to his liver, I'm 38 and I know its still fresh, but I don't know if I will be able to go on a lifetime of this pain. A few days before we were talking and then I was told to go to hospital as he was deteriorating. Watching my baby brother in pain was the hardest thing in my life. And then I watched his last breath. Those last memories are killing me. I only get out of bed because my partner has been bringing mum to our house every day and cooking, not that I eat it much. He's been so good.I have 3 kids 20 ,16 and 9 and everyone's been strong.My kids don't see me cry but I feel useless, my brother would have been stronger than me for my mum if we had traded places. I just want to sleep.i don't express my feelings generally and I can't talk to those close as they're grieving too ,i don't want to burden them with the way I feel. My mums way of dealing is to talk to everyone, I just don't.i can't without crying anyway. My brother didn't have a bad bone in his body. The only comfort I get at the moment is little signs showing that maybe he is still around. Sometimes I feel numb which is a relief from all the crying, but then when I'm numb I feel nothing else either. It's not fair on my family to grieve and watch me be weak and useless. I have been thinking of the best way to join my brother but knowing I'd leave my kids without a mum is the only thing that stops me. Although I think of ways where it wouldn't hurt them so much, if they thought I had just left or something. I dont think I would, but its horrible that I'm even thinking it. Just at the moment I'm no good for them and don't see when I will be

  • Hi Maria21,

    yes grieving in lockdown was very strange, although in a way it gave us time to process a few things without outside pressures. I walked most days as it gave me time to think. It was a blessing that we didn't have to deal with my brother's illness during the pandemic as one of us was always with him when he was in hospital and we were also able to stay overnight with him in the hospice which comforted him.

    Anyway I just wanted to check in with you and let you know I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow. 
     

    Take care xx
     

     

  • Hi NikkiL,

    thank you so much, that's so kind of you. I'm trying not to think of the details tomorrow, beause I don't know how i'll make it. 

    That's nice that someone could always be with your brother. My mum and i were with my brother in the last couple of days, as he deteriorated so fast. It's the guilt i'm feeling now. Like he tried to tell mum he hasn't got long,in so many words, but we were in denial and I wasn't with him to comfort him, when he was doing well.. I know he wouldn't have wanted me to ,because he said he didn't want a pity party. But i'm thinking that I could have been there more when he was more aware, not just when he was dosed up on morphine..I just really thought he wasn't going so soon.I don't think ill get over it. I'm pushing my mum away now, because i want to be alone, or i'm going on walks with my friend and mum joins us. Obviously I don't want her to be alone either, but she doesn't go for walks with her friends and also she likes to talk about my brother and i can't yet.Sorry for the ramble, its all come out 

    Thanks for checking in xxx

  • Don't be sorry, you can ramble on here as much as you like because just putting all your feelings down can help sometimes. 
    It's incredibly hard to accept that a loved one is dying and you can do nothing but stand and watch it happen. It's even more hard when they are younger than you because that's not the way it's supposed to happen. It must be even more so when it's your child even though they are an adult. 

    Your brother knew you loved him and that is all that matters.


    Just let your Mum know how you feel, I'm sure she will understand. Being close to you is probably a great comfort to her right now and she probably feels as lost as you do. I remember desperately needing to do something/anything to keep busy but not always knowing what that something was. Between you and your Mum you will find a balance that will help you both.

    Sending you love, hugs and strength xx