Thankyou. 

Yes I forget there are so many people going through the same thing and just think my grief is greater than anyone's because how can people feel this way and still make it through the day? Everybody says it gets easier with time, I just don't me having that amount of time. I feel in limbo and do things on at pilot, like having to get up to make my sons pack up for school. I will talk to someone, I have a friend that didn't know my brother well so it's easier to talk to her when I can and she's been through a lot and knows how I feel.i still feel that I will drain her energy talking about my pain though so it's just hard.

Thank you for your message, you look after yourself too xx

yeah i totally get that, just making it through each day or even getting out of bed is an effort. You dont want to continue on without them. Yeah speak to who you feel comfortable with. Friends who have been through alot are better as other just go oh you will be ok. But they dont fully understand your situation because they havent been through it themselfs.

Keep strong if you ever what to talk privately please drop me a message x

I will do, thank you. Same to you xx

Thank you, I appreciate it. Theres one friend who knows exactly how I'm feeling and shes dealt with it before, alone and I didn't reach out the way she has for me and I feel guilty about that too, because now i know how bad this pain feels. Yes it's unfair, he kept fit ate good and then to succumb to this horrible disease and I thought the same maybe my mum wouldn't feel as bad if it was me rather than me. I'm useless to them all now. He would have been stronger if he was here. I know I won't want to see anyone forva good while as they know how close we we're and I know that will push everyone away. 

I just keep thinking of when he was at my house a few weeks ago, joking, eating,talking...I wonder if he knew then... and I still don't get that he's gone forever

Don't beat yourself up about your friend, I was in the same situation some years ago. The fact that she is reaching out to you now tells me that she is a good friend and understands, friends like that are pure gold. 

You are not useless to anyone, you are struggling with the hardest experiences that anyone can go through and grieving the loss of your beloved brother. You are also reaching out for help on this forum and that is braver than you know. 
 

Keep remembering those times of love and laughter, if only we had a time machine and could go back and burn those times in to our memories.
 

Take care of yourself today x
 

I think I will eventually push those friends away. They can only stick around for so long I won't be me again for a long while.

And then my partner said that he's been Feeling ill and is trying to get in at the doctors, now everything makes me worry. 

I forget the date until someone said the funeral is on Monday. I just want to run and keep running.

You too xx

I constantly feel sick.

I defo won't be able to look anyone in the eyes. My youngest is 9 and we have yet to tell him. I can't face that, but I don't want him knowing the day before. And then how am I supposed to even smile the day after on my birthday? What did you do on the first birthday after etc?

My brother's birthday was the day before mine, he was born hours before my 7th birthday so that complicated things for me. We were also in lockdown so his first birthday after he passed away we couldn't even get together as a family. Just a very quiet day with many tears as the anniversary of his death was also approaching. I kept the last birthday card he sent me as he was already in a hospice by that time and I will bring that card out and display it with the rest of my birthday cards every year. But birthdays will never be the same again, none of us will ever be the same again.
 

As for telling your son, they are far more resilient than we think they are. I'm firmly of the belief that you should be open and honest with them as they often pick up on things anyway and they worry about what's going on. But you know your son best and only you and your partner know the best way to deal with this. I kept school up to date with events as well as sometimes they can offer support if it's needed.

Yes, I think children are resilient  too, we are speaking to him soon and thas a good idea to inform the school.

We were close in age too,  six years between us. I bet it was horrible in lockdown. The first time my brother was in hospital having surgery, no one could be with him. I have many birthday cards from my brother, so I might do the same and put one out from him on my bday too xx