Hi tasha,

I feel the exact same way , my brother passed on the 21st and I dont like to get upset in front of my children partner or mum. My kids haven't seen me cry except when I was told to go to hospital as my brother deteriorated, I broke down uncontrollably.  Now I feel numb some days I'm always thinking of his last days, like he knew the severity of the disease yet he kept it from us, but at the same time he had hope because we were trying to get him into private care . He even text saying how the doctors can just write him off, basically saying he wasn't ready...yet he died the next night.... It kills me. I was told that in time those last days won't be the first memories you think of. You will think of the happy memories first.i have yet to have my brother's funeral, the day before my birthday, I don't know how I will be that day or the day after. The only comfort I have is that my mum and children have been strong. Your mum is being strong for you and that will be a relief for her maybe,but she is grieving in her own way. My mum talks to everyone about it and I can't,  not yet xxx

 Hi Maria,

sorry for the loss of your brother, i feel numb also like its not happening and they are not fully gone or i choose not to accept it. I feel my dad wasn’t ready to go either and its horrible as you question did i do enough in the end for them in the end. The funeral the day before your birthday will be hard, to be honest, my dads was a blur they say it hits you after but I’ve still yet to fully accept things. Your mum children and partner will support you on that day and you will all comfort each other. Yeah she says don’t bottle things up and talk to her but you feel you don’t want to burden them as they are grieving too so you just struggle with the thoughts in you head over and over xxx

Yes you shouldn't have to worry about when is the best time for them, because you're dealing with it now, but I get what you mean. I only spoke to one person in macmillan who was good but then others just referred me to brochures. And I was desperate to talk just so I understand what I'm feeling but at the same dont want to talk. Sometimes the numb feeling is a relief from the ache and crying. My mum comes to my house everyday because she lived with my brother and I just think she would be better off being at a friend's or something coz I'm no good to her. My partners been working, dropping the kids to school, picking my mum up, cleaning, picking the kids up, making us food. And I know he feels helpless thinking he can't help me, he is helping by looking after my family. 

Yeah I think im worrying if ill need more support after the sessions as well I can get these quickly because its via a work support thing but when I waited the other year it took 8 months before I got any support etc plus be worst now with covid. Yeah even on the help line they don’t say much or just keep pushing you towards brochures which isn’t what you want. I think shes coming to check in on you or just be close as you are going through it together she probably thinks she is helping by coming round. She will understand tho if you are not yourself but its more a thing of just checking in I think.

Yeah I bet it makes you feel guilty because he is doing it all but he is just helping the best he can and in time you will do things when you are ready to but he doesn’t want you worrying more on things. xx

Yea I guess she is, they keep pushing me out of bed but I don't want to get out!

I have many people around me but feel alone

How do they make you wait eight months?! No wonder more and more people are suffering with mental health problems thats ridiculous! How are people meant to get help when there's nothing offered either. Even docs and nurses didn't offer anything at the hospital. Here's his things, bye. Xx 

I get why they are trying to get you out of bed. I understand that you want to be left alone and just to stay there but it wont help your mental health by doing that even if its just getting out of bed daily and sitting downstairs its progress as much as you dont want to. Sometimes it can make you feel worst.

I hear having so many around you and feeling alone is very common too.

Just due to the waiting list it puts you off reaching out for help in a way because of the long waiting list to be honest and its horrible to say that.

Yeah the hospital didnt give us any support either. We didnt even get given his things we had to just pack them up ourselfs. Then got given a booklet on what to do after death and sent on our way.xx

I have sat downstairs, with my mum, but then I'm just sleeping and my mum wants to go for walks every day. Sometimes my daughter goes with her. 

I am just realising I am goin on about my loss on your posts and I'm sorry.

It's terrible that you have to reach out for help, someone should be there for people going through a bereavement anyway. 

Yes we did too, packed his things and that booklet that they gave us, I didn't even look at. Real people to talk to should be there  not a booklet xx

maybe just get out one day and see how you feel. Or even go alone. It doesnt help the weather being so *** but the walk might help release some endorphins.

dont apologies we are just speaking about our losses together which it happends on some of these posts.

yeah it is bad you dont know where to go when it comes to bereavement but like i say cruse or good for a quick offload on there chat.

yeah the booklet had so many things in you just dont look at as its to much to process and just find a way to get through it yourself xx

I actually did have a couple of walks with my friend, but she talked and I listened, which I didn't mind, it meant that I didn't have to talk. And now the weather is crap (I hibernate in winter in general anyway) and the funeral date is looming, its hitting me again and I'm dreading it. The thought of everyone being there and I just want to run. I haven't switched my phone on either, because of texts and photos of my brother.

Me and my brother loved working out too, my brother was lifting the hospital bed a few days before.and jogging a few weeks before, I think that's why it's a shock. He was here one minute, the next he was gone.i was in the middle of a p.t course, just don't even want to think about it. I feel I will never find joy in anything again.

 Have you had a walk or spoke to anyone besides cruse? At least you're going back to work and trying to  keep occupied. As you were dealing for so long, it's time to concentrate on you, as much as its hard to do so. Do what your dad would have loved seeing his daughter do. 

sounds silly but i bet because your friend spoke on there troubles you was focused on that and in a way you forgot about whats going on just for alittle moment because of it. Yea winter isnt good i dont like to go out alot in winter i hate the dark nights. The funeral will be a blur well it was for me i dont remember much or who even went to it to be honest. Dont worry about your phone it will only add to the upset you will turn it on when you are ready.

Thats lovely you and your brother worked out together those will be precious memories. Wow he sounded healthy. Its horrible that they can just change in an instant. My dad actually got up for a shower with help from the nurses a few days before and was walking around his bed so i got told. Then within the space of 48 he was a different person and had gone down hill so quick. The PT course im sure will wait and when you are ready to focus again that is sure to be something you try and complete im sure your brother would have wanted you to aswell do it for him if anyone else when you can concentrate again.

I used to walk alot in lockdown but now not so much i also went to the gym alot as well. The gym was abit of me time when i needed it but ive yet to get focused on going again. Ive spoken on here to people but thats about it currently. Work isnt going great the only good thing is im working from home. Its hard because i cant focus on things i drift off and think of my dad daily and get upset then im so worked up i cant concentrate. I have yet to go in the office yet im dreading the day. Worried how people will be etc planing my escape if i get upset but thats not yet ill go in when im ready.

Yeah i cant focus on myself at the moment life seems pointless without him here

It does, everything seems pointless. Especially as you lived with him and even though he was ill for a while, he was always present, You may not be ready for a while and you don't need to be. Your body and soul need time to heal and who knows when that will be. As long as you heal. 

I am feeling guilty about not hurrying up and coping, which I know I shouldn't be. 

yeah he was always there its very lonely without him. i sit and speak to his picture alot in the day.

We are all different and who knows when we will feel ok again probably never really

While ive been off work I think I assumed after we sorted all the house bills out etc I would just grieve and be done with it but it doesn’t work out like that we cant plan for how long we are like this and it doesn’t just go within a week

yeah he was always there its very lonely without him. i sit and speak to his picture alot in the day.

We are all different and who knows when we will feel ok again probably never really

While ive been off work I think I assumed after we sorted all the house bills out etc I would just grieve and be done with it but it doesn’t work out like that we cant plan for how long we are like this and it doesn’t just go within a week

Exactly, literally got to take every hour as it comes. X

Hi Ladies

ohh my heart goes out to you both well actually everyone on here that is feeling just you both & me. 
I lost my husband 7 weeks ago & I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Grief is exhausting, it's suffocating & I think we are all learning to survive this madness of a time we are experiencing. 
I do nothing but cry & I mean cry, I'm back to work & feel lower than a snakes belly  

I too use to train everyday but lost the drive for that too. 
 

Ladies can I recommend a book to you. It's called 'It's ok that you're not ok' by Megan Devine. Worth purchasing & reading. I'm convinced the book was written for me!

Hold on tight ladies to the side of the boat that's on the choppy water ~ you'll see me there too & when we get to the shore how proud will they be of us xx 

Huge hugs to you both, keep in touch xx

Thats a lovely message, thank you. I will have a look at that book.I'm so sorry for your loss, it's still so raw and you're right it is exhausting and we are just trying to survive xx

Hiya Maria, I am a young Scottish man battling cancer. I am so so sorry you are struggling i am a RMN if you need to chat please message me anytime. You take good care lovely you will be fine. I am a Reiki practioner see those tears they heal us humans so does water so please drink lots of water your lips may start to dry up you may cry let it go please take care if you need a wee chat i'm here Will x

Hi Babyem,

Im so sorry for the loss of your husband. Your time frame is not far off mine it still feels very raw.

Yeah grief is exhausting. It doesnt help when sleeping is an issue aswell you just feel like you are never rested. You can quite easily just stay in bed but for me I feel worst if I do that so I try and get up.

I am back to work also and its hard. People say oh i bet your glad to be back for the distraction but its definitely not the case I cant concentrate, im just in a daze everyday. I am working from home luckily but I feel very alone at the same time I don’t want to be around work people. At least when I cry I have privacy.

I have the book ready to purchase thank you. I will definitely give this a read hopefully it helps in some way. Your just willing to do or try anything to help you get through it all.

Thank you for the kind words, I know we are all not alone on here. There lovely people and its such a comfort.

If you ever need a chat please feel free to message me

Tasha xx

Hi Tasha 

I was reading your reply to Will it was exactly like me. Kevin was trying to get out of bed, pulling his lines out, he also had a peg fitted which he tried to rip it out, stopped & just looked at me with these big haunting eyes saying 'help me' it has broken me it did then & still does now. 
I work in a School & we are back & to be honest I put this mask on & as soon as I take one step out that door I cry I hold it all together

I feel that this box that I hold had everything in it, working, caring for him, numerous hospital visits with me driving, keeping the house going, my house looking like a hospital & constantly in a mess etc etc etc & now the lid of this box is slowly opening & everything is started to come out bit by bit & I just can't catch anything anymore :sad: does that make sense ? I'm worn out, sad, very lonely & just I could have just one more hug & Kev telling me it will be ok 

when you read that book take a hi-lighter pen & hi-light the bits that you are experiencing you'll be amazed  

Ditto for the chat always happy to chat 

xx be kind to yourself xx 

Hi Babyem,

Yeah my dad was very much the same near the end its horrible he looked so scared and it was like they was trying to say just help me get away. Thats what i find hard to deal with because you feel like you didnt help them and then they then passed away angry because of it.

Its good you get all the crying released just let it all out, i bet it feels better to after holding it in all day.

I would do anything just to have one last moment with them again i think you do. I think we just got to remember how much we did for them and was with them all through this so they wasnt alone. we need to take some comfort in this.

i have ordered the book it should be here today so thanks for recommending it

I have sent you a friend request also xxx