Double grie, confused, tormented!!!

Recently my mother was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer that had spread her to her spine, lymph nodes and liver. She'd had back pain for a few weeks, but that was it. No breathing problems at all. A routine blood test for her diabetes flagged up some concerns and she was sent to hospital on 3rd June. After the tests were complete, we were given the devastating news. Her spine was fractured in several places, and her pain was excruciating. She had a dose of radiotherapy on her spine to relieve pressure, but it was clear the damage was already done. Within a week, she couldn't walk, or even move without severe pain. She couldn't get to the toilet or even a commode. She was able to come home to receive palliative care. Nobody gave us any time scope of how long, but it was believed she wasn't 'expected to die' anytime soon. DNR had been mentioned by district nurses, but not prioritised and was never signed. My mam was so brave, she laughed with us, she played quiz games on the TV with us, she talked about christmas, she cheered us all up. Although her appetite wasn't great, she still ate and had endless cuppas. A week after her hospital discharge, a macmillan nurse visited and did a pain level checklist. It was decided that her morphine would be doubled from 1 tablet am and pm to 2 tablets am and pm. This new dose started on Saturday morning. She was a little more drowsy throughout the day, but otherwise fine. Early Sunday morning, my father rang me, my mother had passed away during the night. She only had 17 days from diagnosis to passing. I phoned District nurses and they were shocked, she wasn't 'expected to die'. We had to endure an agonising discussion with police because no dnr was in place, and we werent allowed to move her, despite her bed being extremely wet. This really tormented as the hours rolled by. We waited days for coroners to decide whether a post mortem would be carried out. Her GP (who she had never met, but was supposed to visit her at home but didn't turn up) was happy to give her cause of death as cancer, so coroner released her body. We buried my dear mam on the 6th July. The very next day my mother in law who had been diagnosed with lymphoma just after my mams diagnosis, was told her treatment had not worked,and she had only days to live. We brought her home and cared for her until the end. She fought for 2 weeks, and it broke our hearts to see her body slowly start to shut down. She didn't eat or drink in those 2 weeks, she looked so weak and frail, her skin was yellow. She died a month after my mam, both of our mams and nana's gone. But this now torments me. Did my mam really die from cancer? Why did we watch the dying process with my mother in law but my mam went so suddenly? She was still eating and drinking. Could she have had a heart attack? Could the increased morphine dose be a factor? I wish now that a postmortem was done, but at the time my family didn't want my mother put through that. Should the GP have made that assumption about cause of death without ever meeting her personally? I feel that I can't accept my mothers death without some answers. I probably wouldn't be feeling this way if I hadn't watched my poor mother in law fade away. My head and heart is completely mashed, and I would really appreciate anyone else's experiences that may be similar. 

  • Hi Goodnag57,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss - I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this all must have been for you and those around you.

    I can understand your questions and I can see how the second experience will have made you think differently about the first. It's hard to advise on what to do, but if you feel you have unanswered questions then it may help to speak to the relevant GP and discuss your concerns.

    If you feel you'd like to talk things through with one of our nurses - they may not be able to advise specifically to your situation but it may help to get their thoughts - then you can reach them on 0808 800 4040 (Monday-Friday, 9-5).

    Otherwise, hopefully you'll receive further replies here from anyone with similar experience or advice to offer.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator