Hiya

Im not even sure why Im writing this .... my ex husband told me he had cancer in December not long before Christmas 2020. We have a 16 year old boy together. We been divorced about 12 years or so not really had a lot to do with eachother as our son got older. Then he rings me up and tells me he had lung cancer, he said he doesnt want people to know including our son yet as its Christmas coming etc. 

Anyway since the day he told me he rang me nearly everyday sometimes twice a day, for a chat, or because he was sad or scared. Christmas eve he rings me to tell me he has cancer on the brain. He continued to ring me everyday we laughed, we chatted, we cried and became friends and I was his support person, he decided he wanted our son to know after being taken unwell in hospital in January so I told him (he has autism btw our son) he didnt say hardly anything except ok.

3 weeks later he was gone, all in all it was 10 weeks from diagnosis to him going and even though it was terminal we including him thought he would have had more time complete shock. 

The funeral came and went our son has put whatever he feels about in a box and has thrown away the key and if I mention his dad I get very little response back, I have a partner now of 10 years and I dont mention it to him. 

6 months on and I feel heartbroken still and really angry he has gone and I still cant get my head around the fact he has gone. 

Im struggling to comprehend the fact we were married .... divorced .... not a lot of communication ...  being his support network .... his friend .... he is gone! 

Im sorry but I dont know where to turn and I feel like no1 will understand as we been apart for so long  

Now he is gone I miss him which seems silly. 

I have other stuff going on in my life but Im angry about this it seems all the time because there are things from the marriage details of the time we were together I cant remember so it makes me frustrated and teary 

I feel like when he died a part of me died and I cant get over it. 

Im sorry I sound selfish with what other people are dealing with ... I came on here a lot over those 10 weeks and I just felt like maybe this was somewhere I could spit it out to strangers?