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Struggling with loss of Dad at 21

aimeem
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Hello,

Im 21 years old and lost my dad two months ago to mesothelioma. He became sick around November time and was diagnosed in February. He was given 2 weeks to live and managed 12. Since November life hasn't really felt real. He declined very quickly towards the end and it's still extremely upsetting to think about how much pain he must have been in and what he must have been thinking at the time. I was also there at the end, which again doesn't feel real at all and I'm not really sure how to cope with all of the above. I've never lost anyone so to lose my dad two weeks after my 21st birthday is kind of earth shattering. He was only 66 but accepted that there was nothing to be done, and by the time we tried to go private and see if we could try immunotherapy it was all too late. Again, I'm really struggling to avoid thinking about how he must of felt through this awful emotional rollercoaster, never mind the physical pain he was in too.

My dad was a true glaswegian so wasn't ever a super emotional person so when he was diagnosed in February he kind of shut down. We'd never been a family that had deep chats or showed much emotion to each other but that's just us. He also didn't really want me to see him much after being diagnosed because he didn't want me to see him so sick, which I completely understand that he was protecting me, but now I'm left with feeling so guilty every day that it makes me feel sick. I feel like I should have been there more, even though I know he didn't want that. We also didn't really say goodbye because again, in his last weeks/days he didn't want me to see him. I am completely broken about the fact that I didn't get to say what I wanted to him and am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to now. 
 

The last few months have been utterly traumatic and it's only just starting to sink in, even though the reality of it still comes in waves. I feel like it's only just starting to hit me hard. I'm back at work, and I work in the hospital as a ward clerk, which can be very upsetting at times and I'm struggling to enjoy it now. The sleepless nights are in full swing and I can't stop crying. I'm a complete mess. I feel lost. I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't get my head around any of it. 
 

Any kind words would be much appreciated x

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    Hi [@aimeem]‍ 

    I'm so sad to hear of the loss of your Dad at such a young age. I lost my Dad when I was 15 and can empathise with how hard it is to look forward at the rest of your life, knowing that your Dad won't be there. It is a struggle and you will feel lost and not be able to find joy in what you used to for a while, but you will get through this. We find the strength from somewhere to be able to carry on, one foot in front of the other and live our lives the way our late parents would have wanted us to. I'm 32 now and yes I still miss my Dad terribly and still cry for him on occasion but the pain isn't as raw and I'm able to speak about him without getting a lump in my throat. I'm now able to look back at how far I've come and know how proud he would have been of me for getting through it and for everything i've achieved since.

    I'm on this forum because my Mum died 2 months ago after an extremely short battle with lung cancer. She was only 68. A lot of what you have said really resonates with me and I too am feeling guilty. My Mum found a lump on her neck 6 weeks prior to her death but because she had no other symptoms,I convinced myself it was nothing serious. I only seen her 5 times during that 6 week period and I so wish I had seen her more. Like your Dad, my Mum wasn't big on talking about her feelings or showing emotion and it pains me that she could have spent all that time on her own worrying about the lump. We only got her cancer diagnosis 3 days before she died and by that stage she was feeling very breathless. She didn't want anyone to stay with her or come visit her. She insisted she was fine so I respected her wishes and didn't visit her the two days before she died. I know she was just trying to protect me but it's hard not to beat myself up about not seeing her more when she was probably scared and upset.

    I'm now speaking to a bereavement counsellor about this and it is really helping me deal with these guilty feelings and regret. Is counselling something you've given any thought to? Speaking to someone who doesn't know me about my grief has been a life raft and given me the opportunity to let my feelings out without fear of judgement. It's great to have friends and family around us as a support network but the people who love us always want us to be ok and we often don't let everything out around them. I would really recommend contacting the likes of Cruse or Sue Ryder who offer free counselling sessions if you haven't already.

    Take good care of yourself xxx

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