This is my first post....

I have attempted to write something here before now in hope that I could offer someone some support or strength but the words never came to me - I haven't  quite been able to describe how I feel and also for the past 365 days have been in complete, shock, denial and devestation.

I lost my wonderful, smart, complex, loving, funny generous, consistent fun loving dada on the 11th July 2020 and feel as though it's getting more painful with every day that passes. 

I have been reading through some of the heartfelt gut wrenchingly sad experiences people have been bravely sharing and feel guilty that I got to enjoy 7 good years following his prostate cancer diagnosis ...but he had only just turned 58 when he went to sleep last year and I feel robbed of him and alone and desperately sad that he doesn't get to enjoy any more of the wonderful life he cherished so much. 

I have a wonderful partner who was ridiculously supportive during dada's passing and I have a nice life but am struggling to find meaning in anything at all and often feel extremely empty and in actual physical pain at the thought of how it all happened and what transpired before he went downhill - my family broke down, really and truly as a result of the cancer and the strain that it put on everything. 

That aside, I keep reading that in time you learn to live with the pain and it gets easier but im not sure it will, I genuinely feel that when dada died, a part of me also died with him. I feel lost without him, he was my confident and my counsel and my friend, I loved our chats and our time together and feel completely devastated that our long 34 year long relationship was blighted for the final 3 years we had together. I have so many regrets about things that were said and how things happened and his passing was not at all as I would have hoped for it to be for him but I loved and admired him completely and feel broken at not being able to share any of my life with him any more. 

I think I may have rambled a bit on and I'm not sure how much support this will offer anyone out there reading but it's been helpful to share all the same

Hoping for some light to shine again xx