My husband John was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer which had spread to his bones 18 months ago. We were given an average life expectancy of around 5 years from the stage he was at when diagnosed.

This March we asked again and were told that he had around 3 years left.

In April he was taken into hospital for scans as he was in considerable pain in his back. When we were able to see the Dr, it wasn't the consultant as expected but one of her staff. He said that it looked as though things might have progressed and that he'd been given a verbal update on John's condition but wanted to wait for the results to come through formally before looking at options. Despite my concerns he was adamant that John's back pain was not related to cancer and he didn't want to do a scan to check.

Within 2 weeks John was rushed into hospital after being in immense pain and dragging his foot. At this point they said that he needed radiotherapy as the cancer was leeching out of his bones and towards his spinal column. Within 48 hours he had lost all sensation below his waist. A few days later they said that if he were to have chemotherapy he would probably live for another 12 months. Without it, he would probably last 6 months. As the radiotherapy had no effect on the tumour in his spine, they said that he wouldn't be strong enough to cope with the chemotherapy and revised their prognosis to say that it would be nearer 3 months rather than 6. 

They suggested he go into the hospice purely to get pain relief tailored to his needs so that he could spend his remaining time at home. Only he never came home. He lasted just 3 weeks. They kept telling us things and then simply changing their minds. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand how he can have deteriorated so quickly when they were supposed to be monitoring him. I don't understand why the Dr wouldn't scan him to see why he was in pain when it was obvious to me, as a layperson, that the cancer was spreading.

Most of all, I don't understand why they led us to believe that he could come home (this was his dearest wish) and then did everything in their power to scare us into keeping him in the hospice. Before we agreed to him going to the hospice, they assured us that once his pain meds were organised, he would be sent home with sufficient pain relief and district nurses would visit him at home if he needed any top ups. Once he was at the hospice, they said that the district nurses might not be able to get to him quickly and he would be suffering in agony while he waited. 

I feel we were fed false hope after false hope again and again and again.

We didn't the conversations we wanted to have because we were led to believe he was coming home and that we had time to have them. 

One day, I arrived at the hospice to find him alone outside in a chair with his head hanging forward and without the strength to straighten himself up. All he said was, "Don't touch me." I asked if he was in pain and he said he was but they'd said it was too soon for more morphine. I pressed the bell for help and a nurse came and told me he couldn't have more morphine. I said that we had been assured that the hospice wouldn't let anyone suffer in pain and I wanted him to have pain relief. She returned 10 minutes later with 2 paracetamol! He wasn't even able to keep the water in his mouth to wash them down. It just poured out. 

It was horrific to see - and the nurse just stood and watched dispassionately. 

Eventually 30 minutes later they came and gave him more morphine before returning him to his bed. He never recovered from that and we were unable to have any meaningful conversations from then on. The best he could manage was a squeeze of my hand.

He died on the 9th June 2021. We waited for his brother to arrive from South Africa and then quarantine for 10 days and his funeral is tomorrow.

I miss him so desperately. I'm so angry at the way he was treated. I'm angry that my wonderful husband of not quite 5 years has been taken from me. I'm angry that all the plans he had came to nothing. He was a kind, loving, generous wonderful man and he's gone. And I just want him back.

We were both bereaved when we met - he'd lost his wife of almost 50 years to cancer and I'd lost my 17 year old son when he was run over. We were both so appreciative of the 2nd chance at happiness we were given and we never took it for granted.

And now he's gone. And I don't know what to do or how to be.