Hi Danny,

I am new on here, I saw your post and could understand how two years on you are still feeling the pain of the loss of your Dad. 

I lost my lovely big brother in March this year to bowel  cancer, it only took two weeks really as he was miss diagnosed on at least two occasions, so yeah he was pretty ok one week then the end of the second week he was gone , covid prevented us from seeing him when he was well, then I got to see him about a week before he died. I have never lived my life without him being there, and I just cannot seem to make myself understand that he's never coming back, I am not new to death as my husband passed away in 2002 at the age of 47, my brother asked me to move in with him and his wife so they could take care of me...I just feel so bad that I wasn't able to take care of him when he needed family with him at the end. I cannot describe how I feel or what to do with all of the different feeling that seem to gather together in my head and body all at the same time , anger , sadness , dispair , disbelief..and many many more...I don't seem to be able to turn it off and sometimes just burst into tears which can be embarrassing...It was nice to come on here and read some of the other people's write ups...I read yours and thought it was sad yet lovely and I think it is wonderful that your Dad is your hero.

Bridget.

Hi Bridget,

Thanks for making the effort to reach out.

I totally understand every emotion you are going through. Isn't it weird when you hear of someone elses loss you feel less alone but at the same time take on some of their grief too.

I think you have had a terrible time and I am struggling as to what to say to comfort you. I asume from your message that you are with your sister in law who is going through this too. I hope that you can be there for each other. I know people often say it will help you get through it but you never do get through it. It isnt soemthing that will ever leave me and I understand that. There are moments when life seems good and back to normal but it is almost as though as I start feeling great I am overwhlemed with the sad throughts again.

My thoughts always turn to wondering whats next etc. I'm not big on religion etc but like to belive that there is a place where loved ones go and one day you can be together again. 

More than that I try to honour my dad by living my best life. I know he would not want me to be upset or spend time sad thinking about him. Quite the opposite. He spent his life making sure my life would be as good as it could. And he did a great job.

I turn to my own kids and just want them to know how much I love them and to always be a cushion emotionally and financially. That in its self makes me happy.

The two weeks your brother had doesnt seem fair and is far too short a time but maybe this can be seen as a good thing in a nice way that he did not have onging suffering both physically and emotionally.

I dont have answers. I have stopped looking for them. 

One thing I do try to do is to make sure I dont leave anything unsaid. Also the fear of trying new things and going new places has now gone. I embrace every opportunity I get and I am very thankful for each one.

I hope life gets better for you and your sister in law. It's never too late to embrace life. 

I really do wish you well