How did I get here ? 6 months without my wonderful husband. I've cried every single night , cuddling his ashes in bed every night , talk to him constantly. It still infuriates me that this has happened to us , I just can't accept it , it still doesn't feel real . I'm putting a brave face on for our family and friends, I'm back at work, so I'm focusing on positive stuff. But my heart is broken, life is just something to get through, That's how I'm feeling. Self pity sounding, I know but its all consuming .   Watching him suffer and deteriorating and then dying in front of me , taking his last breath. It's all I can see and hear , it's so overbearing. I don't tell our sons or daughter in laws or grandchildren how I'm feeling, they have their lives to carry on with , and each other to be strong with , they don't need to worry about me. I know they love and care , but couldn't do or say anything to help , that's why there's no point in telling them .  I do feel less raw grief, it hasn't lessoned , it's just changed,   It's always with me , but I manage it better . It's such an awful part of life , born to die , live to love , then tears to cry . I'm sorry if I have upset or offended anyone, that's not my intention, this site helps me off load . I hope everyone going through this nightmare finds inner strength and comfort knowing you are not alone. I love you darl , forever in my heart and thoughts , thank you for our wonderful family and precious memories we created, R.I.P darling, one day we will be together again. Love you