Hi everyone,
To keep a long story short: I lost my father to this f*****g disease we call "cancer" about 18 months ago. He was the love of my life. EVERYTHING that means anything is tied up with my dad. And I currently have no will to live without him. For any moderator who may see this, please don't worry about suicide - I do not plan to kill myself. However, I have absolutely zero - and I mean ZERO - interest in anything else in this world, which no longer contains the most important and wonderful thing I've ever known - my father.
I'm writing this post not to get "advice," since that has always been totally useless. I'm writing this to reach out to anybody who feels the same way - do you feel that the only person you want to talk to is the one you've lost? That all other people and all other relationships are second-rate (sounds harsh, but it's how I feel) and largely pointless? Here are things I've tried and found useless:
1) Counselling (4 different counsellors) - utterly useless
2) Talking to friends - utterly useless (they mean well but their empathy skills are extremely poor)
3) Writing about how I feel - not entirely useless but not much good
4) Posting here occasionally - not entirely useless but so far of very limited use
Here are the two things that almost everyone says, both of which are also useless:
1) "Time will help" - maybe it will; maybe it won't. I wouldn't be so sure in my case. Since my father was my entire world, and since I've lost him, I don't see how "time will help." Is time going to bring him back? Obviously not. It is now 18 months since my father died and I do not feel different at all. Not one bit. Every day is exactly the same. I do not expect this to change any time soon. I would not be surprised if I felt like this for years. Hell, I would not be surprised if I feel like this forever. I have never loved anything or anyone in the way I loved my father. I have never been loved by anyone in the way I was loved by my father. Neither of those things is going to change.
2) "Your father would want you to move on and live your life" - utterly useless advice. My father is no longer here! What he would want if he were here is irrelevant. What's relevant is that I don't have him with me, can't cuddle him, can't hear his laugh, can't feel his warmth, and so on. I don't want to "move on and life my life." I want to be with my b****y dad!
So that brings me back to the title of this post - the ONLY person I want is the one I have lost. The only THING I want (interaction with my father) is the one thing I can never have again. Instead I am supposed to spend the rest of my life on planet earth (which could be decades) without the only thing that ever really meant anything to me (on the deepest level). Everything else feels utterly trivial and pointless.
How are you supposed to live when the ONLY person you want to be with is the one you've lost? If you feel the same, feel free to reply,
Adam
