Hi Adam

I received the worst news of my life this week that my mum has lung liver and bone cancer and she's sure in herself she has less than a year

She's my best friend the love of my life the only person who really understands me and my heart feels so broken it's just numb I'm so scared for what the future holds nothing anyone has said to me has made me feel any better about the situation so I decided the only way to get through this was to look at it in a spiritual way

Although they won't be physically present in this world anymore we WILL be with them again in another 'life' and with the other loved ones we have lost in this one, we're never going to be without them so please don't listen to skeptics or ignorant people who don't believe we host a soul. We are so much more than this, what I call, flesh prison

I'm 28 and won't even get to have the milestone 30th birthday with my mum there's just nothing anyone can say, spirituality is the only comfort

x

Hi Mysticx,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I remember vividly the day when my father called me to say that his cancer had spread to his brain. So I think I have some understanding of how awful it must have felt and must feel for you.

It doesn't surprise me that nothing anyone has said has made you feel any better. The more I think about it, the more I think that there is nothing anybody can say to make it better, at least not for me. However, some people on here have found other people's posts/words to be helpful, so perhaps you fall into that category.

I'm very glad that you're finding some comfort in spirtuality. You may not want any "advice" from me, or anybody else, but if I could have the final year of my father's life back again I would have spent every moment of it with him, or at least much more time than I did. So part of me would urge you to spend as much time with your mother as you can, talk to her about everything, share everything, ask all the questions you want answers to, tell her how much you adore her, tell what she means to you, don't hold back. Then again, part of me knows that everyone's situation is different and tells me that I should just shut up and let people find their own solutions.

What I can say is that I am deeply sorry. I wish you could have your 30th birthday with your mum. And your 35th. And your 40th. The universe doesn't give us what we want, sadly. But it's obviously given you (and your mum) a wonderful relationship, which of course makes the inevitable loss so painful.

Wishing you continued strength

A

Thanks for your kind words

I think the only way I'm staying strong is knowing I'll have to care for her :( 

Do you feel any better as this time has passed since losing your dad? Or how long did it take for you to at least wake up and not feel utter sadness?

I had a similar reaction - I held it together for the last 8 months (from diagnosis of the brain metastases to his death) because I had to, for his sake. He needed me to be strong, so I was. When he died, all hell broke loose inside me. Actually, I had my first breakdown just before he died.

I wish I could say that things (have) got better since my father died. They haven't. I feel empty, every  day, and don't see much point in anything. If ever I think about the absence of my father for too long, I am overwhelmed by depression, misery, horror, and so on.

But that doesn't mean it will be the same for you. There are plenty of people on here (whose posts you can read) who have found (and are continuing to find) a way to manage. I was told by my counsellor that the way you spend the last few months (with the person who is dying) has a big influence on how you feel afterwards. I feel regrets that I didn't spend more time with my father. But I know that others spend/spent even less time with their dying loved ones and therefore may feel even more regret. It may be easier (or rather less awful) for you if you do everything you can now to make the time you have as good as it can be. My father and I shared a love of music (the same types of music, too), so we listened to music together, at least until his brain was so badly fried that he couldn't any more. I'm sure you and your mother have special ways of connecting, unique to you. They may help you to manage.

Caring for your mother/father in the last phase of your life doesn't have to be all bad. My father continued to inspire me until his last breath. He still does. He always will. Cuddling him in his bed was the greatest joy I have ever had. Making him feel loved was my goal and I hope I achieved it. I'm sure you'll find that your love for each other helps you to manage in some ways.

A

I had a similar reaction - I held it together for the last 8 months (from diagnosis of the brain metastases to his death) because I had to, for his sake. He needed me to be strong, so I was. When he died, all hell broke loose inside me. Actually, I had my first breakdown just before he died.

I wish I could say that things (have) got better since my father died. They haven't. I feel empty, every  day, and don't see much point in anything. If ever I think about the absence of my father for too long, I am overwhelmed by depression, misery, horror, and so on.

But that doesn't mean it will be the same for you. There are plenty of people on here (whose posts you can read) who have found (and are continuing to find) a way to manage. I was told by my counsellor that the way you spend the last few months (with the person who is dying) has a big influence on how you feel afterwards. I feel regrets that I didn't spend more time with my father. But I know that others spend/spent even less time with their dying loved ones and therefore may feel even more regret. It may be easier (or rather less awful) for you if you do everything you can now to make the time you have as good as it can be. My father and I shared a love of music (the same types of music, too), so we listened to music together, at least until his brain was so badly fried that he couldn't any more. I'm sure you and your mother have special ways of connecting, unique to you. They may help you to manage.

Caring for your mother/father in the last phase of your life doesn't have to be all bad. My father continued to inspire me until his last breath. He still does. He always will. Cuddling him in his bed was the greatest joy I have ever had. Making him feel loved was my goal and I hope I achieved it. I'm sure you'll find that your love for each other helps you to manage in some ways.

A