Today I lost my dad 2 months after his cancer diagnosis, he went through so much, and fought right til the very end. He desperately didn't want to lose his life, his life had just started falling into place. Due to lockdown he didn't get seen by a doctor & had a telephone consultation and was wrongly diagnosed. I can't help but feel he might have been alright if it wasn't for Covid.
 

He had 2 cardiac arrests (due to the cancer) which he survived then realised his cancer was terminal. He really suffered within that 2 months he had lost everything. He wanted to be at home but only got home for 3 days before he deteriorated and was back in hospital. From his diagnosis his quality of life was awful, due to mouth and throat cancer that had then metastasised, he was unable to eat again, drink, smell, or talk. 
 

I am really struggling because I hadn't seen him in 6 years & when I do he is in hospital and I am unable to have a proper conversation with him. Reasons for not seeing him in so long seemed to be due to money issues and his new marriage. I received a message this year saying that he will come to see me when lockdown restrictions are lifted. By then it was too late. I always think about the relationship we could have had. Me and my dad adored each other, we are very alike - I am his only child. I only have my uncle on his side of the family left. 
 

The pain hurts most because he had a tough life and did not deserve this at only 54 years old, and there was no hope - his prognosis was 2 months and he was already too ill to make any memories/ enjoy his last months.

At 25 years old I am really struggling with what could have been & I have always felt the absence of my father since him and my mum split. I always longed for that relationship but always thought we would come together in the end when I could drive, so would be able to drive to see him & him when he was out of his financial difficulties.

Now I am permanently mourning the absence of my father. I am not close with his wife, I feel like she has been lucky enough to spend the years with him making memories. My memories are faded, I used to see him a lot when I was younger but that stopped when he got married. Now the only memories I have fresh in my mind are how hopeless he wash in the hospital bed with absolutely no reason to live anymore. 
 

When I received the news I was a little relieved because I wanted him to be out of pain, but now it's just hit me that he's not around, where is he? I'm almost expecting him to call me up or drop me a message. Everyone says hold onto the memories snd the good times, but my memories aren't already faded from when I was young. I feel like I don't have much to hold onto apart from some old pictures. I can't believe it, all I wanted was to save him, I can't imagine the mental battle he was going through. When you type in mouth cancer on Google you see a few photos of ulcer, it doesn't show you the full effect of what happens. I can honestly say I have never seen anything so horrific & I didn't even realise it was possible. What he was going through was torture. 
 

I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I seem to distract myself for 20 mins and then I realised and I start crying out. I can't wrap mg head around it. I don't feel like myself, I have a massive hole in my heart. I don't know how to be normal again. I feel like nobody knows what I've been through and I feel so disconnected from everyone I just don't know what to talk about anymore. 
 

Really struggling and feel like I have no one to turn to.