I just want to get my thoughts off my chest really. My dad were diagnosed with a brain tumor back in October 2020. He were 59 when he passed. He deteriorated so fast and his symptoms were traumatic to witness. He had surgery and the surgeons said they removed all the tumor in Dec, we felt like he'd been given life again and that he'd be ok. Greatfully we had one last Christmas (via zoom because of covid) but we were all happy including my dad thinking he'd survive this.
February 2021 came and he got told the tumor had grown to 5cm already. From then it rapidly took over him. He became very incontinent and were fully aware of this and so embarrassed. We had no carers at all till the last 2 week of his life. My brother had to pick him up from the floor as he lost control of his left side and my dad sat on the bed and said he were scared.
A week after that he passed away in April 20th. I sat with him every day. He'd grip my hand reasuringly. I'd hear him cry out in pain and he were a strong man , id have to stop him getting out of bed. , to see him so weak and frail was so surreal. Just a few month earlier he were fine. The sounds he made haunt me , his breathing , the death rattle. I have severe insomnia anyway but my patner snores and the sound just upsets me.
Since his death everyone has surrounded my mum and been there for her as I have too, even taken her to bed as she were struggling too.. And I hate myself for feeling like , well wheres anyone for me, he were my dad, he understood me like no one else. We were very much alike and so close.
My relationship isn't the greatest with my patner and I'm finding myself just feeling so angry at life, I'm epileptic and I'm so exhausted with life. As much as I'm upset I have no one helping me cope. At the same time I just want everyone to leave me alone too. I'm so angry, my dad worked all his life and talked of retirement and wasn't able to live that.
Sadly I drink too much now , have done for a couple yr but its become my coping and my sleep self medication. I just have a strong feeling of being alone and emptiness.
Sorry long post , bust sometimes it feels like it can help just to write things down
