Saying I'm so sorry seems to inadequate but i truly am, I really identify with how you're feeling. I feel for you, I really do.

My mum passed away quite suddenly last week.. she had MND not cancer... but her actual passing away happened out of the blue (she slipped away in the night, in her sleep) & I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that she's gone.

I feel so unprotected, alone & lost. My mum really was the most caring,  gentle & loving mum we were so so close,  inseparable...I didn't get the chance to say goodbye, i already can't bear this life without her & can't imagine having to live the rest of this live without her. 

I miss everything about her & I wish I'd spent every second with her. I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.

Inside I'm constantly screaming, "mum" over and over..I just want her back!

Hi again,

You replied to one of my posts so I thought I'd reply to one of yours. You write: "I can't imagine having to live the rest of this life without her." I cannot accept having to live the rest of my life without my dad. I actually don't want to. So I think I have some idea of how you feel. For me it's a terrifying, crushing prospect - decades without my dad (assuming I live for many more decades, of course).

You say you feel "unprotected, alone & lost." Again, this sounds familiar to me. My father was not just a blanket around me; he was the love and inspiration and warmth that I could not (and cannot) live without.

You also say that you wish you'd spent every second with her. This sounds rather like the daily regrets that I have - why did I spend only one hour with my dad each day, rather than two? Or three? Or the whole day? Such regrets can destroy your soul.

Are you finding anything helpful at the moment? Anything at all?

Adam

Hi again,

You replied to one of my posts so I thought I'd reply to one of yours. You write: "I can't imagine having to live the rest of this life without her." I cannot accept having to live the rest of my life without my dad. I actually don't want to. So I think I have some idea of how you feel. For me it's a terrifying, crushing prospect - decades without my dad (assuming I live for many more decades, of course).

You say you feel "unprotected, alone & lost." Again, this sounds familiar to me. My father was not just a blanket around me; he was the love and inspiration and warmth that I could not (and cannot) live without.

You also say that you wish you'd spent every second with her. This sounds rather like the daily regrets that I have - why did I spend only one hour with my dad each day, rather than two? Or three? Or the whole day? Such regrets can destroy your soul.

Are you finding anything helpful at the moment? Anything at all?

Adam

Yes it's awful to have those feelings of regret. I try to look at it though,  that say we had been the ones who had passed away instead.. our loved ones would have regrets too, in terms of us..when someone dies I think it just alwsys happens that way  it's very cruel though having to deal with those feelings on top of everything else.

A big regret too though is that I didn't know about the new medication my mum had been prescribed & now I feel like that's what ultimately led to her death as it was too much for her body to handle as it was so weak already. A couple of weeks before she asked me to message her gp about various symptoms,  including panic attacks she started to experience. I arranged for her to have acupuncture & it was starting to really help her with that & then in the mean time her gp prescribed her an antidepressant (which i wasn't aware of) & then she took just one dose of it and got really sick from it then passed away. She didn't even need to take it by then! So I feel that if she hadn't taken that she'd still be here. Albeit..I don't know for how long but it could have been a good while longer? I was due to visit her for a week two days after she passed away,  I had my train tickets booked etc. 

Things that help... being with my pet & cuddling them, watching Netflix to distract myself,  having naps as I feel so tired a lot of the time atm, talking to my sister through WhatsApp, & remembering the profound experience I had after another loss 10 years ago when they visited me several months after they passed away,  it made me feel differently about things. At that time I'd barely eaten in weeks from grief & was so weak I couldn't make it up the stairs,  I thought I might die too and I feel they came to help me. Friends have been good & very kind but that's hard too as I feel really separate from everyone at the moment it's really hard to relate to people who aren't going through the same thing. I get really angry sometimes too like an intense burning rage inside that I have to keep inside. 

I don't want to be presumptuous and tell you what did and didn't have an effect as a) I have no idea, and b) it's none of my business. But it seems to me that you have literally nothing to reproach yourself for - you can't be expected to know how medications will be received etc. That said, I do understand what it's like to have such regrets. I fully believe, for example, that if I had taken my father out of the sh*t hospital he was in and put him in a better one then he would have lived longer. But I also know I can't spend the rest of my life beating myself up for everything.

I am really glad you are finding some things that help. I also use Netflix and distraction. Actually, that's the only thing that keeps the awful pain at bay. I don't find talking to friends remotely helpful. Counselling was also useless. Nobody has a clue. My father wasn't my "soul mate"; he was my soul. So I feel I have lost my soul. Have zero interest in anything or anyone else.

I also have anger issues. My anger is directed to a large extent towards the dreadful idiots in the hospital who failed to look after my dad properly. But it's also directed against the world or the universe or life for allowing such pain to exist.

I wonder whether there's a way to let your rage out in a way that could help. I have no idea. I occasionally scream out loud, sometimes to my dad, sometimes at the universe.

Hiya. I understand where you are coming from.  My mum died 13 days ago in the hospice. She was in there a long time and they tried their best however it was just not enough my mum had  a terrible ending and I can't unsee or unhear it. She struggled for 27 months only for that to happen im So so Angry and so alone . Mum was my best pal I have no one else. Unlike u I can't turn tv on I feel if I turn tv on im Just forgetting and enjoying myself like it didn't happen when it did . I know it's daft ! I can't sleep Even with seeping tablets from the doc . I just don't know how people Move forward. Xx

Tell me about it. The idea of "moving on" makes no sense to me. You write@ "Mum was my best pal I have no one else." That's how I feel about my dad. I don't have that bond with anyone else and never will. But somehow, for some reason, we're supposed to continue living our lives.

Like your mum, it seems, my dad's death was pretty horrific too. As you say, it's very hard (impossible?) to unsee or unhear it. It happened.

Wishing you strength