Its been nerly 9 Weeks since i lost my dad to undiagnosed bowel cancer

some days i put a brave face on and carry on but i know im hiding my feelings.. if i dont talk about it it doesnt hurt but its making me worse to the point ive asked the doctor for medication. i feel a failure its come to this.

( weeks ago i got a text from my dad saying the doctor has given my dad a week to live from bowel cancer... i was shocked and disbalief how can someone not know..and hoew can the hospital miss such a big thing.. he was being treated for tonque cancer and had the operation two weeks prior.. me and my brother rushed up 200 miles away to be with him, at that point i didnt think i was strong enqough to watch my father die, and toyed for 24 hours that i couldnt mentally take it.. but i asked my father what he wanted and he wanted me there so i stayed. i spoke to my dad, he was more concerned who was going to look after me, im 40 by the way. i reasured him i would be ok when i knew i wasnt going to be.. watching him die has been the most trumatic experience of my life. my dad was everything to me and i was literally heartbroken , still am.. im having bad dreams, not staying asleep and my axiety well now im fearful of everything and paranoid.. the nightmnares are about my dad and my life. i hate cancer for robbing me of my dad. i carnt seem to grasp hes gone forver and i carnt talk to him.. i still text his messenger and his phone every few days.. i have conted beverment conselling now to help me talk about it as hiding it all just consuming me.. i feel 8 weeks i should be moving on and living life and being happy.. and im not .. for past year i having been planning my wedding and dad was supposed to walk me down the isle in less then 4 months so thats hard too as now i have lost my excitment for my big day.