I lost my mum a year and a month ago to secondary breast cancer. 

Since the first year anniversary I feel very low, again. I just cannot envisage my life without her. Living through the first year I imagined I would come to accept "life goes on". 

Losing her during covid was even more painful, we only had a funeral of 10 and still have not held a memorial. 

I feel very alone. I have one brother but we are not close. 

I constantly hope I will just disappear, be in an accident or get sick myself. 

I am not "suicidal" but I do think about not existing regularly. I just cannot imagine meeting a boyfriend/partner and having children without my mum. It all seems so pointless.