I don't know where to begin, or what I hope to gain from posting this, however, after spending much of the day reading through these forums I am hoping that perhaps someone can realte to my recent/current expirenece.
I lost my mum 4 weeks ago to pancreatic cancer after being diagnosed in September 2020. I am 27 years old and before her diagnosis I had naively not pictured my life without her, she was such a strong and resillient woman. However, as I am sure many of you have exprieneced, over the last few months of deterioration our roles changed and I expierenced a caring role that felt so out of balance but yet perfecty natural at the same time.
At the time of her diagnosis I felt such a crushing, overwheming pain and huge shock. I thought of all the things she would miss and all the time together we would lose, however nothing really compares to this bleak reality I now have when looking into my future. I know I will feel joy and have happiness in my life, but I feel it will never quite be the same. Never quite as good as it should be, if she were still here.
One of my biggest heartaches was her not being here to meet my children. Which is why it feels even more painful to loose her when I was 3 months pregnant. This pregnancy was a complete suprise to my husband and I and although overwhelmingly exciting, I know that I am going to have to face the fear of having children without my mum much sooner that I thought. I was very fortunate that I was able to share the news with my mum and even found out the gender early to share with her. In her final weeks I remeber her saying to me 'I just want to see your baby, even if it's just a picture'. Luckily, she was able to see my first scan photos before she passed. We shared many tears, of both hurt and happiness about the baby but I still cannot believe I am going to become a mum without my own.
I feel like I have experienced so much change over the past 18 months, both good and bad that my brain is not quite caught up. I have got married, lost my Grandad, had mum's diagnosis, got a puppy (dog's do make everything a bit better, right?), lost my Nan, found out I was pregant and now lost my mum, all within this time frame.
I feel so fragile. I believe that although unplanned, this baby has been 'sent' as a gift and will bring much happiness but I can't help feeling so deeply upset that my mum will not be here to see me become a mum. I now think of everything she will miss not only in my life, but now my child's too. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
I feel so much upset when people talk to me about their excitment for my baby and how I 'should' be feeling. So soon after her death I am struggling to joyfully talk about my baby without the acute awareness of how my mum should be here with me. I feel robbed of so much and despite having some wonderful friends and family and a very loving husband, I cannot help but feel very alone in the world. I'm hoping that perhaps this forum will help ease that feeling...
