I'm so so sorry for your loss, you must be broken. There's not much that I can really say except that I'm sending my sympathy to you.

I think your in the best place to talk about your loss, the moderators are so helpful. 
 

if you'd like to chat, or even vent I'm here anytime x

Thank you.

When Kim had the stroke last August, the drs told me she was very unlikely to survive. The stroke came right out of the blue. No warning signs, no illness. Just got up one day, started feeling sick and then got so ill I called an ambulance.

By the evening, stroke was confirmed and her prognosis was terminal.

By the next morning, she'd woken up and was talking. I felt like a miracle had happened.

Two days before she was due to be sent home after 3 weeks in hospital for the stroke treatment, we got the leukemia diagnosis. The haematologist who told us said it was obviously very bad news but did finally give us all an explanation for why a healthy 38 year old would have a sudden stroke.

Then 6 months of pure struggle ensued. Back to back chemotherapy x 3, a 3 week stay at home and the transplant. The big one. The event that we'd been building up to as it offered the best chance of a cancer free future.

To lose her after everything she went through to get there is just so painful.

I have thought to myself, would it have been kinder if the stroke had taken her. No illness, no suffering. But then we wouldn't have had the additional 6 months together and the hope. I both hate and treasure these past 6 months. I loved her so much.

Hi mate I'm sorry for you loss cancer is so Evil and always seems to take the good people  but I kind of know what your going through (I think)  

I lost my wife to breast cancer she was 39 she left me with her nine-year-old boy and a little two year old but she died in the hospice just before Christmas we were told to bring Christmas forward as he wouldn't make Christmas Day That was the worst day of my life by far in wrapping her presents for her pretending everything was going to be okay for the children they were so happy to see their mummy opening the presents that they bought her. That Night I had to explain that the medicine wasn't working had to tell the nine-year-old about cancer  his mummy my wife Died two days later on the 22nd of December 2020. I'm here if you want to chat

Thanks Chris. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

This is a brutal road to tread, one we would never choose.

Kim and I didn't have children, our life has always been centred around our dogs. They know something is wrong and they're providing comfort.

I'm trying my absolute hardest to centre my thoughts on the time we had together rather than summon up the anger, pain and resentment about the time we should have had in the future. That's where the real feelings of pain are for me, thinking forward and just wanting to share it all with her.

I completely understand what you're saying about trying to remember the good times and not be angry that time was taken away and your future has changed that isOne of the hardest things for me to deal with obviously I'm happy I've had 11 years with my wife She really was my soulmate we met when we was 14 at a caravan park in weymouthShe really was the love of my life I guess I'm so lucky I've got to have children with her because in the way she lives on but every day I grieve for them it's not fair my boys lost their money it's not fair I lost my wife l! My advice for you at the moment it's just take each day as it comes you'll feel different every day you'll feel different every hour but just remember how much your partner loved you it doesn't really make it easier but to me it's nice to know how loved I was/ am 

Hi Mate hope your ok? 

Thanks for enquiring Chris.

I'd describe my emotions as; Saturday, the day she died. Numb. Mentally exhausted. Sunday, felt real. Hard as hell to get through the day without thinking very dark thoughts. Yesterday, I started to smile when thinking about her.

Because of the work she did, helping dogs find new homes from rescue shelters, I've been really touched by the many tributes people have paid to her. Heartfelt, honest tributes about how something Kim did had a life-changing effect for them.

We discussed what each of us would want if the other were to die, so arranging the funeral was not as fraught as it might be for others. Having total clarity, with no unanswered questions, is probably something I'd pass on as a tip to anyone, whether their partner is ill or not. Because when the day arrives, it makes a difference to know.

Kim and I always said we've never attended any funeral and felt better for it, but have done so out of a sense of duty or to honour, in the case of our religious family members who have died, what they would have wanted us to do.

Kim and I aren't religious and our overwhelming wish was to just spare the other as much pain as we could.

So she will have a direct cremation. Her ashes will come back to me, some will be interred with our beloved dogs, some will go to her sister and I will keep the rest with me forever.

I have learned a lot from her these past 7 months. She was never afraid of death, only ever afraid of the impact of her illness on those she cared about. I have always been afraid of death but not any more. I have to emphasise, I don't want to die, but this lesson from Kim has taught me not to fear.

I have for many years always leaned on stoic philosophy in my life, having a chronic illness of my own since the age of 19, I was always 'the ill one' in our relationship. Kim has perfect health for the 25 years we were together until leukemia struck in August. One of the key teachings of stoic teachings has given me tremendous comfort: that, the only secure thing in this world is that which has already been can never be changed. I take comfort from it. The life and love that Kim and I shared can never be changed. Not by death, not by me losing memories, not by anything. It was real, it happened and I am going to be grateful for it forever.

Again, thanks for reaching out.