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Mum died of Lung Cancer

ElaineJ54
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Hello, 

I have been ready posts on here ever since my mum was diagnosed with cancer end of last year, and since she passed away 2 weeks ago. 

I have so many feelings going around my head so wanted to write some of them down here. And just a warning, I think this is going to be a long one, so, sorry.

When my mum passed away, my dad was with her, but I only found out that death was iminant once she passed away. I knew they had stopped the chemo and therefore it was going to happen at some point but they had predicted she had at least a few months but in reality it only turned out to be a few weeks. He had the call in the morning that is was likely and she died at 6.30pm. Is it wrong that I can't help but feel angry that he didn't tell anyone? I live about 2.5 hours away from where she was and I could have made it back to say goodbye but I wasn't given the chance. I know that he didn't do it to be spiteful but because I covid I hadn't seen her since about November time and I would have like the opportunity to say goodbye... and its not something I feel that I can talk about with my dad or anyone really, apart from maybe my partner. 

That's the first thing, the second is we are trying to write a eulogy. We decided that we would all contribute to it and edit it together to make one, but I can't think of anything to say. I loved my mum so much she was my best friend, but I have no motivation to write anything. It all seems fake like we're writing some strange essay about her. But if everyone else is contributing then how can I not? 

Lastly, I feel heartbroken and lonely without her. I'm only in my late 20's and feel like I've been robbed or a future with my mum. I am enagaed, but didn't have a chance to get married because if of covid between her diagnosis and death, we are trying for a baby but didn't manage to get pregnant. And I now feel like what's the point of these things if I won't get to share it with my mum. I have lots of other family and I love my partner dearly, and I am sure a lot of this is just due to it being so recent, but it's like everything had lost the excitement factor. 

Hopefully some of your have been through similar things and can offer some advice. 

Thank you x 

 

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    Hello [@ElaineJ54]‍ 

    I wanted to reply to you, as I understand what you're going through at the moment, I'm in my early 30's and lost my mum mid march from lung cancer. First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, it's something that I can't make you feel any better with my words, but hopefully just knowing someone else going through a similar situation to you will help you feel a little less alone. 

    I can understand why you may feel angry with your dad, but I would imagine he did this to try and protect you from the hurt that would be caused by this. I think at the moment, you both will need each others support because it's such a rollercoaster of emotions, and unfortunately it will be for a while. 

    Writing the eulogy is painful. There's no other way to say anything other than that about it, it may be that you don't wish to contribute, and that is also okay, but I think at the moment your brain is probably trying to block the fact that it is so painful to protect yourself. Would you even think about contributing a small story, or even one word you'd use to describe your mum based on your relationship with her? At least then your input will be in there. Hope that makes sense. 

    The best advice I was given is to take lots of deep breaths when it feels very painful, and take it hour by hour. Not even day by day at the moment. However you feel is totally valid, and I am sending you a huge amount of strength and love for the coming hours, days, weeks and months. I am told I will learn to live with it, but I'm right there with you at the moment with a huge amount of complicated feelings. It sometimes feels completely overwhelming. 

    Not sure if therapy is something you'd consider? It has helped me so far though as I'm able to talk without upsetting anyone else, including my family. You can always message me if you need. 

    Big love to you Xxx

     

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    Hello [@ElaineJ54]‍ 

    I wanted to reply to you, as I understand what you're going through at the moment, I'm in my early 30's and lost my mum mid march from lung cancer. First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, it's something that I can't make you feel any better with my words, but hopefully just knowing someone else going through a similar situation to you will help you feel a little less alone. 

    I can understand why you may feel angry with your dad, but I would imagine he did this to try and protect you from the hurt that would be caused by this. I think at the moment, you both will need each others support because it's such a rollercoaster of emotions, and unfortunately it will be for a while. 

    Writing the eulogy is painful. There's no other way to say anything other than that about it, it may be that you don't wish to contribute, and that is also okay, but I think at the moment your brain is probably trying to block the fact that it is so painful to protect yourself. Would you even think about contributing a small story, or even one word you'd use to describe your mum based on your relationship with her? At least then your input will be in there. Hope that makes sense. 

    The best advice I was given is to take lots of deep breaths when it feels very painful, and take it hour by hour. Not even day by day at the moment. However you feel is totally valid, and I am sending you a huge amount of strength and love for the coming hours, days, weeks and months. I am told I will learn to live with it, but I'm right there with you at the moment with a huge amount of complicated feelings. It sometimes feels completely overwhelming. 

    Not sure if therapy is something you'd consider? It has helped me so far though as I'm able to talk without upsetting anyone else, including my family. You can always message me if you need. 

    Big love to you Xxx

     

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