Hi biffy123

I can't see what else you could have done. So do not blame yourself. At  a young age of 21 it  is a big responsability you took on. and you looked after you dad as best you could. It is hard to come to terms with, but ask for bereavement counselling.  It doesn't mean your weak asking to speak to someone. It will be hard to speak about your hero to a complete stranger. being young and feeling as you do, something will  give. like you I'm the youngest out of nine kids, I'm what some younguns would call an old fart nowdays. few years into my 34 years of married life, my wife had gone full term with twins. I was over the moon. bedroom decorated two of everything was bought in readyness for a hectic time.  was so proud. looking forward to the screaming bottle feed changing dirty nappies. Then  came the worst news anyone can get. the twins hearts had stopped. I will just leave it there. they would be 32 this November. but in them days I was young. devistated but kept all my emotion in tact, thought I could deal with it in my own way. how wrong was I.

Wish I had gone to bereavement counselling. but that's another story. Coming from a large family of 9 kids. there are only 4 of us left. and none of us are in good health.

I thought loosing the twins was the worst thing i'll ever go through, Wrong again. my wife died from a late diagnosis of aggressive cancer and died 6 weeks later.As hard as it was I got help from bereavement conselling. at first it was hard to talk about my wife. 9 months on it's still haunting me. The signs were there, I even begged her to go and be seen but she kept putting it off. if only I had done this done that, but in the end it was all down to the wife. my final reasoning was what if you had cancer. I could kill myself for saying that. as I was trying to use scare tactics by saying if you get cancer, wouldn't you want me to know if you were going to leave me alone. but again that fell on deaf ears. So I feel responsability for not dragging her down there. My lad is a year older than you biffy123. and he has been through a lot, loosing his grandad and grandma and his uncle over the last five years. now he lost his mum and found out I had liver cancer. I know what's coming my way. and have told him he has a beautiful girlfriend and the rest of his life in front of him, as does my 30 year old daughter. they know when I go just think of it as I'm going to be with there mum.

If you have or get offered bereavement counselling do try it. even after a week or two, your not committed to  anything. you cand just say I don't think its for me. or you may want to talk to someone.  I can't talk to my kids about there mum. because I know I will break down in front of them.

Sorry you lost your hero and role model. I wish you well for the future and good luck.