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A month on and I still feel numb

Peanutbutter0411
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My beautiful nana left this earth on the 9th April and I still can't get my head around it.  Whenever I deeply think about it it's like a I get tunnel vision, I don't feel like it's real, I feel like it's a dream.  It's so hard trying to comfort my grandad everyday when I'm broken inside too, I can't cry infront of him, I wouldn't want to!

The weird thing is that I go to call her sometimes or think to myself "can't wait to tell my nan that" and then it hits me that I can't do that.  I do talk to her I guess but it's hard because all I want to hear is her soft voice reply to me, telling me that we will all be fine and that she isn't in pain anymore.  

Does this grief slowly go?

 

anybody, help? [[ ]]

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    Hi Peanutbutter,

    I like your nickname as I also love peanut butter.

    As someone who has lost several relative to cancer including my grandmother, an Aunt , my mother and father to cancer, I can tell you yes the pain does gradually get less, but mainly because we learn to live with our loss. Our lives are forever altered by losing someone we love dearly and will never be quite the same again. Your mention of not being able to tell your grandmother things rings so true with me as I do miss being able to talk to my mother about lifes little things.

    I'll tell you something that helps me. When I feel their loss badly, I remember some of the many good times we shared and that always seems to help.

    It's early days yet for you and yes, it doesnt seem real for a while but in time that will pass. That doesnt mean we miss them any less, It's just that we are learning to adjust to a new way of life.

    I hope this makes sense to you. Sending kind thoughts your way, Brian

  • Offline in reply to woodworm

    Sorry to hear of your losses!

    This has helped me, i feel slightly more normal.  I werent sure if i was being over dramatic and just making myself more upset.

    Thinking of happy memories at the moment still makes me cry, i cant even listen to her voice on recording without crying.

    p.s glad your a peanut butter lover too

    Kind regards

     

    Emma

  • Offline in reply to Peanutbutter0411

    Hi Emma, 

    I lost my Mum just over 5 weeks ago. I was her full-time carer for the last 12 months and as you can imagine, it leaves a huge gap. 

    The first two weeks were easy enough. I sorted out everything as the family were pretty useless to be honest. It was good though, as it was all a blur. The next week was spent planning a trip away to clear my head. Then the trip ended on Friday and I arrived to our home and the emptiness is overwhelming. 

    We talked every day before the cancer and got even closer as time went on. 

    I talk to her every day. I think that's normal, although I try to keep it when I am alone in our house! Nothing seems to have any meaning, tunnel vision is about right. I just focus on filling my days. What I miss most is making her laugh. 

    What I would say is to keep an eye out for the signs. My Mum loved Robins. Yesterday I stopped at a friend's house and when I came home today I kissed her picture as I used to kiss her. I looked out the window and a Robin flew onto the bush. Danced around and flew off. She was letting me know she"s OK. 

    In regards to your tears then I read something beautiful that I read at her service. When tears cone do not think of them as grief, but think of them as love, the more you cry the more love you have for that person. It helps me. 

    Take it easy

    Joe

  • Offline in reply to 38mstage4cancerparent

    Hello,

     

    Sorry to hear about your mum, she would be proud of you for organising everything <3

    I used to go an see my nana every day and night! I knew she was terminal but they told her she had months left, 2 days later she died! it was such a shock to the system that i didn tcry when it happened, i just went into plannin gmode while everyone else grieved.
    I even stayed at my boyfriends house 20 miles away so my grandad could have my bed for the 2 following weeks.
    Now that my life is getting back to "normal" (whats is normal when you have lost someone so close)
    it seems to hit me just randomly, without any prompt.
    Even cried in marks and spencers!

    Funny you should say about signs, as soon as she died, i walked outside and a white feather with bits of grey (the exact same colour as her hair) dropped infront of me.
    My nanas favourite bird was a blue ***, we never used to get them in our garden, but this past week, we seem to be getting one, as if its her saying hello.  This comforts me slightly, but i just want her back, i want to feel her cuddles and laugh with her!

    I broke down at work today which wasnt good, i want to try to be strong but i just dont seem to be able to.

    <3 <3

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