Hello zchady and welcome to Cancer Chat, 

It seems like 9 years on, it has all suddenly hit you and it isn't unusual for the grieving process to only properly start after a long period of numbness. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; in fact we all grieve differently and you can read more about this grief process and how to cope with grief on this page . It sounds like this beautiful dream you had of your dad triggered all these emotions described in the grieving process: agitation and longing to see the person you love so much as well as this feeling of anger that is often associated with grief. 

You were very young when your dad died, still a teenager and perhaps you felt that your coping strategy was to just block it all from your mind. 9 years on, you suddenly find yourself overwhelmed with all these emotions but in a way it is good that you are not numb anymore and that you are starting this painful grieving process. It does sound though like you might benefit from a little bit of help. Perhaps you could talk to your GP about it and see whether they could give you some helpful suggestions to help you deal with this grief. Do mention to your doctor that you are feeling so low and that you feel as if you were merely existing rather than living life to the full. Your doctor I am sure will be able to point you in the right direction, and perhaps offer you grief counselling which might help you come to terms with everything that happened. 

You have come to the right place though to talk to others who understand what you are going through and rest assured that you are not alone. I hope that you will hear from some of our forum members who have also lost a parent to cancer recently and they will, I am sure, have some helpful tips for you to help you get through these difficult moments. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Lucie

Thank you for your really kind and understanding message. 
 

I have been going to counselling for 4 years now, once a week with a break in the middle of that 4 years before I started again. I'm talking this through with my counsellor, and it's interesting that even with counselling I wasn't able to start grieving until just recently. I wonder if it's because I've just moved out and live alone now, and so I have all the time to think and look after myself rather than my mum, and so the grief has started to show.

I want to live, I want an amazing happy life but right now I just feel like I'm on autopilot, chasing the happiness I felt when he was around and I had no worries in the world. The anger is the worst because there is no one to blame, sometimes I'm even angry at my dad even though I know he really didn't want to die so young.

it's very tough, I know I need to feel it and ride it out though. Thank you for replying and being so kind.